We Walk as One

So here I am. The day before the big move back to GA. I've been waiting for this day for so long and yet, cant believe that it is actually here. I have conflicting emotions. Part of me is so ready to go back to my "normal" life. To go back to what I'm used to. To go back to who I was. But that's just it... who I was is not who I am now. I know it might be hard to believe, but I've changed immensely in the past 10 month. How could I not?

I came back to Michigan, to deal with some things from my past. To get these skeletons out of my closet that have done nothing but bind me. Bottom line, I needed to let go. This is why I didn't go on my great RV adventure. I wasn't finished here. Not only confronting these skeletons but actually having to figure out what they really were was obtained by being here. By being present and also looking at memories of my past. I found them here but let them go when I went to Costa Rica. I gained this by not giving into my fears. By being strong enough to know that the only way I could feel complete was to do let go, to surrender. What do you need to let go of?

My family and I are not perfect. I also came here to play doctor. I mend these wounds in my family that have been hurting for so long. After trying over and over again I realized that this was not my battle. Do you have any idea how hard that is to admit? How difficult it is to say that I can not control or fix something. I've realized that it wouldn't be right. Who am I to take that away from someone else. I've had my share of disagreements in relationships. No one else could fix them but the people in them. Do you have any idea how great it feels to either let go of someone who is toxic or to rekindle a bond with someone you truly love. Who am I to decide how anyone else should react. Who are any of us to judge any one's relationship at all. The only people who knows what best are the ones in it. All I can do is pray that what is best will work itself out. All I can do is pray for peace.

I can not explain to you how much my trip to Costa Rica has molded me. Has allowed me to blossom into the beautiful person that I am right now. I can say that with a confidence that I've never known before. I can say that without guilt because for the first time in my life, I actually think it's true. I fell in love with myself and it's about damn time. I don't mean this in an arrogant, snotty, full of myself kind of way. I mean this as a person who has put in the footwork. One whose life hasn't always been easy one. One who has numerously been knocked down and yet strong enough to dust myself off and get back up. One who has been challenged over and over. One who for the first time, can truly appreciate those challenges because every one of them has made me who I am. When are you going to fall in love with yourself. Because that is the only way you can love another. I always wondered why I could never love fully. I now know it's because I didn't love myself.

I couldn't have done this without the amazing women I met in Costa Rica. It's divine intervention that we were brought together. We all landed at Anamaya with baggage. With tribulations that we had to overcome. Together, as one, we allowed each other to grow. From day one, there was this underlying connection. We couldn't explain it, but didn't need to. It was nothing short of miraculous. 25 women came together without judgement, without jealousy, without envy. We all wanted the same for each other. We all wanted the best for each other because we truly love each other. True love, true compassion, true understanding. Do you know how rare that is? If you have this kind of love in your life, don't ever let it go. Simply sit back and appreciate it, embrace it. Love one another, love yourself. Be kind to one another, be kind to yourself. Forgive one another, forgive yourself. This is the only way one can ever feel whole. The only way you can ever feel complete is to realize that we are all one. That understanding is truly divine, truly beautiful.

Hugs & Kisses

Discovering Oneself

Just getting here to Montezuma has been and adventure. I left Miami at 9am taking a 3hr flight to San Jose. The shuttle for Montezuma wasn't supposed to arrive til 2pm so with the 2hr time change, I sat outside on a rough bench for 4hrs. Some of my classmates arrived around 1, who in this short amount of time I can now call some of my greatest friends. We rode in the shuttle for 2hrs only stopping once. Let me just say, this was not one of your off the highway restrooms. It was defiantly a hovering situation, where you didn't want to touch anything. I had to choice but to trust these girls I just met since the door not only didn't lock, but barely closed. Ha ha We then had to hop on a 1 1/2 hr ferry. This was beautiful. The view, the pelicans flying, amazing. However, if you know me you know how I get when I haven't been fed in a few hrs, so I struggled to fight the urge to be a raging bitch. Ha Ha After the ferry we still had and hr and a half drive to Montezuma. It was dark, the roads didn't have lines so it feels like you are either going to crash into another car or flip off the road. And yet, I felt calm, at peace. We finally arrived at Anamaya looking horrific, sticky, sweaty, hungry, tired... and I couldn't have been happier.

At  first, it didn't feel real, like I was in a dream. My brain had took a while to realize that this was really happening. That all the hard work, leaving GA, then leaving my family, the rough roads in MI, all really paid off. Dreams come true, but they are never given to you. You have to struggle, to fight, to prove that it is worth it to you. You have to make sacrifices, step out on a limb, and even jump over the edge. As I sit outside and look at this beautiful view, I have to remind myself that I'm really here. I'm actually here. I actually did it. This is exactly where I need to be. Everything from the past has brought me to this very moment in my life. Everything, every struggle, every heartbreak, every decision, every moment has brought me here.

I am learning so much, not only about how to teach Yoga, but also about myself. Our teacher says we can not hold space for someone us until we learn and let go of things that have happen to us. Let me tell you, this is not an easy task. To accept ourselves for who we are and who we've been. Ugh. It's been painful. I've had to dive into rough situations from my past, acknowledging that they happened and then finally allowing them not bind me anymore.

On the first day of this self awareness, many things came up. I felt the urge to get out of here. I had to walk so I went for a hike. (Grandma, you are going to hate this ha ha) I needed to clear my head, needed some alone time. I went through the jungle, behind the resort, down to the waterfall. (it's amazing it's only a 10 minute walk. I can't believe we have a waterfall in our backyard) The walk alone was everything I needed. Nature is my sanctuary. It makes me feel centered, grounded. I hiked away from the waterfall our group has been to and began to hop on rocks up the opposite falls. I loved this. It the most amazing experience. So symbolic to life. Being someone who struggles to get out of her head, it is the perfect test. You have to look ahead of you, but not too far, and figure out which rock you can hop on to get further ahead. You have to make decisions immediately. You can not decide what rocks you want to land on too far upstream because then you'll get ahead of yourself and lose your way trying to get there. Make a decision with what is presented before you and execute it, believe in it, take that step. The path that looks the easiest is  not always the case. Sometimes, if you step toward the smooth waters you'll be confronted with no rocks to step on and have to turn around. That's the other great part about it, if you make a mistake you can always turn around, start over and try another way. As I was climbing, reaching a beautiful set of falls, I kept wondering what I would see if I kept going, so I did. I soon realized that every time I reached a climb and was mesmerized by the beauty of what was before me, that this wasn't it. There was always more to discover and the only way for me to see it was to keep going, keep climbing. I loved and appreciated every stage but never being complacent, knowing that there is so much to discover.

Keep climbing. Don't ever be content with where you are. Remember that the only way you will ever see new things is to fight for it, struggle. That way you'll be tested to see if it's really worth it, to know how bad you want it.

Hugs & Kisses

Anticipation

I can not believe in 12 hrs I will be on a plane that is going to drop me off in Costa Rica for a month! Honestly, I don't think the reality of it all has sank in. I'm doing this?! I'm really doing this?! And yet, I feel like it is exactly what I should be doing. Ha Ha

In the car, to the airport, a thousand thoughts were rolling through my head. All the normal worries about finances, family, etc... It hit me that at this moment I am unemployed. I've never been without a job. I started working at 15 and haven't stopped. This is crazy. My brain was going over all the things I should be worried about and yet I had this sense of peace. I should be worried about what I'm going to do for work when I get back, affording to move back to GA, paying my bills... and some how I feel that everything is going to work out. Guess that's how I know I'm am exactly where I need to be.

When I booked the flight to Miami, I gave my self an extra day here before I left for Costa Rica. Last night, I was wondering why I did so. Having my grandparents around and visiting family members has become very comfortable for me, even though I didn't realize it until I was laying in this hotel bed all alone. I don't even have my pets with me. While I was in MI, I occasionally felt overwhelmed. I lived alone away from family for so long, that it was quite different to have them there. I sometimes felt that I just needed a break. Just a moment of alone time. Funny, how when you get exactly what you think you want, you realize that its not at all what you need. I love the time I spent with them. This has really opened my eyes to how lucky I was to have that opportunity to reconnect. I could barely read the letter my older sister wrote me. I am so blessed!!

Today, I spent time to my self. Reflecting on what is about to happen and what has. I completed my first teacher training assignment. I had to complete it using the book The Heart of Yoga. This book is perfect for me. I have practiced so many different Yoga styles and this is the first time I feel that I, as a Christian, can really connect with one. The Guatemala trip, the Argentina trip, all didn't work out because this is the exact place, exact style that I need to practice, that I eventually need to teach. I love how life just works when you are willing to lift your feet and let the river of life take you wherever it wants to go.

The next time y'all hear from me I'll be in Costa Rica, starting this amazing journey. Oh my goodness!!

Hugs & Kisses

Bittersweet

Wow! What a whirlwind my life has been these past months. I can not believe my time here in Michigan is about to come to an end. I have experienced such highs and lows being forced to do nothing but grow. I've been holding on to the person I was. I feel like a a snake in the midst of shedding its skin, becoming. . . Someone else.

Lately, I've felt so lost and confused.  I think I've finally realized that those are the most appropriate feelings to have. I've been so consumed by thoughts of what has happened and will happen.. How could I have been so naive, when I first started this adventure, to think it was going to be different. I told myself it was going to be a challenge, but I don't think my head ever told my heart, because it was never prepared to experience the emotions I have had. Isn't it funny how you can mentally try to prepare yourself for something some obstacle and you can tell yourself over and over again that you are strong enough to handle anything that comes your way only to be humbled when your heart actually has to experience them. Preparing and planning only allows you to take that first step. Not to devalue that instant because it is one full of courage and strength, but DAMN, what happens next is where the road really gets rough. 

Now I understand why people dislike change. It is NEVER easy to grow, however, it is the most agonizing, amazing, bittersweet challenge someone can ever experience. To put yourself out there and see what you are made of. To force you to see if your dreams are really worth fighting for. I still believe that they are and my trip to Costa Rica will tell the truth. All I know, at this moment, is that I've been humbled. 

I feel awful for secluding myself from so many people but that's exactly what I needed to do. I needed to submerge myself into where I am at at this very moment to evaluate everything Ive learned. How appropriate that the end of this adventure will be focused on Yoga which is entirely about letting go and living in the moment. This one of the many thing I've learned. I've learned that no matter how much you try to plan your life, God always has a different idea. It might not feel right at the moment, but if your faith is strong, it'll work out exactly as it should. I've learned that families are never perfect, all you can do is accept how imperfectly perfect they are. That no one can take away the belief you have in yourself, so hold on to that no matter how hard others try to take that away and oh they will! People will try to conform you to who they want you to be so make it a point to discover who you are, always leaving room for improvement but never compromising your beliefs. I've learned that everyone needs times of solitude, a place to escape, a place to call home. I've learned how important it is to never stop dreaming, never stop growing, never stop seeking adventures because those are the times we become every thing we are meant to be. I've learned that people come and go from your life quickly and the importance of figuring out why they were there The final thing I've learned is that no matter how lost you feel, your friends, family, the people who truly love you will always find you. 

Hugs & Kisses

Oh Life

I know I've said this so many times, but I apologize for the lack of blogs. I can think of so many reason's why, but bottom line is that I haven't been focused lately. My mind has been preoccupied with... well, with life. I've been working hard to prepare myself for my upcoming teacher training in Costa Rica, and yet it still doesn't seem real. I can't believe in a month, I'll be gone. Not only is it the perplexity of this trip, but the mystery of what's to come after causing me to freak out. 



This time in Michigan has lasted longer then anticipated, but I, without a doubt, know it's exactly where I needed to be these past eight months. I've learned so much about myself, my past, and who I want to become. As much as I love Georgia, I needed to step away. I needed to get out of my comfort zone. I was stuck in the routine of working at a bar and drinking with my friends. It's a place I wanted to be stuck. I was overindulging in everything and not focusing on my future, and I was happy doing so. Being here has allowed me to get away from that scene. Yes, I still work at a bar, but I defiantly haven't been drinking as much as I used to. Believe it or not, I've actually turned into a light weight. Ha Ha


Michigan has also allowed me to build these amazing unbreakable bonds with my family. Just yesterday, I spent the morning with my little sister Melissa, her children, and my grandparents. When I would visit the little ones, they didn't know me that well and were very shy. Now we have fun and laugh, nothing in this world will warm your heart more than the sound of a child laughing. I believe now that they love and trust me.Yesterday, when my nephew was scared of a moving toy truck he actually ran to me. He ran to me crying, wrapped his arms around me and I didn't want to let go. I pray that I can hold on to these precious moments forever. I'm so fortunate to have gotten to know Melissa on a deeper level also. She is stronger than she give herself credit for. She is me, years ago, before I realized that I had the power to change my life. I can see her coming into her own and hope that she continues this uphill climb while looking in the mirror everyday reminding herself that she is someone special.


After visiting with them I went to see my older sister, Heather. Being the big sister, she's always protected us, even when we didn't realize it. Her being a mother figure to us hindered our chance to become friends. She has really opened up to me. We've shared so many stories with each other, both good and bad. I'm so fortunate to call her a sister and it took this trip to realize she is more than that, she's also a great friend. I'm so proud of the woman she's become and am excited to see what the next few years will unveil to her.


Next, I went to see my sister Angie and niece Marley. After everything  Ang has been through lately, she still has the aura of peacefulness that I admire. She has more patience than I will ever possess. I love sitting with her over a cup of coffee talking about anything and everything. Our views and opinions are so in sync it's scarey. BTW she went to the doctor and got a clean bill of health. It's like the brain surgery never happened. You gotta appreciate those guardian angels. Oh and Marley, she is a five year old after my own heart. We had a Yoga session. Ha Ha That's right, my niece performed downward dog, cobra, boat, and many other poses. I can not wait til she gets older and runs away from home showing up at Aunt Nikki's doorstep. Ha Ha


Lately, I've been thinking about having to say goodbye to everyone again and the thought breaks my heart. Literally, give me a pain in my chest making me cry uncontrollably. I'm so torn by this. However, at the end of the day, I know it have to leave, I know I have to move on, I know I have to grow. Heather showed me a quote yesterday that reminded her of me.

"Sometimes things fall apart, so other things can fall into place."


So here I am, waiting. Waiting to go on this trip, that I know will put everything I've worked for into perspective. I'm not worried about the trip, but I will admit that I am concerned about what happens next. Correction; concerned is the wrong word, I'm more intrigued. Everything will be real. I will be stepping off the plane into the next chapter of my life and it scares the shit out of me. I'm not sure if it's so much the future that scares me or the thought of letting go of the past. Has anyone else ever felt like this? Am I ready to grow up? Do I have what it takes to be everything I'm destined to be? I sure hope so because this month is going to fly by like a freight train.


Hugs & Kisses

Take Risks!

Complaining is a poison. It effects the mood of the individual complaining and the people listening. I have always thought I was strong enough not to be effected by such negativity, but it is apparent that I am not. I have allowed the unhappiness of others to bring me down. I have also fell victim to the addictive nature of complaining. Was it the constant complaining that made me so unhappy or was it my surroundings that caused me to complain. The chicken and egg dispute. At this point it doesn't matter any more which came first. Something had to give.

The main concern I have with people who complain is that they rarely try to change the things they are complaining about. If you want your situation to change, change it; if it's out of your control, change your attitude about it. What I realized was that I could change what I was unhappy about. I was so unhappy about my job. I kept telling myself "It's a mean's to an end" but honestly, it was tearing me down to my breaking point. The situation was only going to change if I had the courage to do something about it.

Being in GA for an extra day, made me concerned about losing my job. I had this horrible sense of anxiety that this would happen, and then I felt this overwhelming sense of relief. I was relieved that I would be forced to go get a new one, a decision I wasn't capable of making on my own. This made me realize that I needed to leave. Like many things in life, I had to have faith that there was something better for me out there and the only way to receive it was to take a risk. The most wonderful things in life are only gained through taking BIG risks. How else would God know if we really deserve them?

Big risks are not easy to take. They are scary, confusing, sometimes complicated... bottom line they are risky. I couldn't have done this or many things I have done without my Georgia family. I was so happy to see my best friends Crystal and Deanna. I can not explain the gratitude I have for both of you in my life. That is exactly what I needed to recharge. It's amazing how a hug or conversation with your true friends can really help remind you who you are.

I didn't get to see everyone I wanted and I am truly sorry for that. Please understand that sometimes when you are at rock bottom, the last people you want to see are the ones who admire you. I didn't want people to know I've failed to do the things I set out to do. I'm a work in progress right now and will see everyone when I get my head on straight and feel more like myself.

Through the past few weeks I have learned a lot. It's been such an emotional roller coaster. I need to pay more attention to the constant reminder on my left wrist to have faith. I was also reminded of the power of putting yourself out there. I've been holding on to so many things, so many emotions. I can not control anyone but myself. The only thing I can do, is take the risk, say what's on my mind, and see what happens. If nothing, then I can finally let it go and at least know I tried.

I miss y'all more than you will ever know!!

Hugs & Kisses

You Think You've Had a Bad Night?

Don't you hate when you do the things you know better to do and yet do them anyway, only to see it blow up in your face. The ironic part is that I was driving around tonight after a long day of work, tough workout, and trip to the store at 1am trying to relax from my day only to realize that God has one hell of a sense of humor and will force you to get out of your head and take the time to look at the stars when you least expect it.

I used to drive a '99 GMC Jimmy and had nothing but problems with it. Saying I would never buy an old used vehicle again, I bought and actually saved money from maintenance on new cars. However, when I realized that my Mazda Miata wouldn't last a winter in MI weather, I bought an '03 Hyundai Santa Fe.  As most cautious people do, I had it checked out while on a test drive to make sure it was in adequate driving condition. Surprise, Surprise, nothing but problems.

After my day, I felt the perfect cure was a nice, soothing drive, on back roads to examine whats running through my brain. Flash to where I am now. Pulled over on the side of said back road waiting for AAA to save my ass, yet again. At least I've gotten my moneys worth from them. I was driving along, enjoying the hypnotic sensation I find in driving, singing songs out loud to get some aggression out and bam. WTF I have a flat tire. Ha Ha you have got to be kidding me. I'm in the middle of nowhere. I have a cornfield to my right and one random house to my left. Well, at least I have a spare this time.

At first, I was pissed. As I began to laugh out loud, I realized that the first thing I did was tilt my seat back and open up the sunroof, like I did last week while I was at state land property. Ha Ha The other night, I just needed to escape, drove to state land, listened to my favorite music, not feeling that relaxed in a long time. Guess I needed this again.

Thank you for the few random cars to stop, seeing if I was OK. I am but unfortunately, the only AAA partners who woke up to help me live in Flint and cant make it out here for an hour. And unfortunately, you, with your porn star mustache or lack of hygiene are to creepy to help a young lady who was stupid enough to leave the gym without putting a bra on. Ha Ha I did keep my door locked for everyone except for when I saw a flashing light, thinking it was my AAA guy, got out of the car. The man reached for me giving me a hug only to say he was from road commission just passing by. As he was leaving he told me to lock my door.

If it couldn't get any funnier, while I was driving I was thinking about what to write on my blog since my life has been so mundane lately. I was thinking about writing why people drink. Ha Ha seriously! This is why. People need some form of escape from reality. I, like a lot of people I know, am a control freak. I like being in charge of my life and wanna know/be prepared whatever coming next. However, this gets very exhausting causing you sometimes to go off the deep end. This is when you can forget all you inhibitions, reasoning, cautions. It allows you to not say whats really on your mind, yet sometimes do. Ha ha I really want a beer, actually make that a shot of Jameson.
 (I wrote that all while I was patiently in my car. This came after, I got home)
My grandparents showed up to sit with me. They now know I started smoking again due to all the cigarette butts on the road by my door. I told them that I was safe to be left alone when the flashing lights showed up. However, it wasn't AAA but the road commission man again, seeing a car behind mine, worried it was a predator, he was trying to save me. BTW this was as I was hanging up trying to find where AAA was, having them tell me their guy was gonna be delayed for another hour. Apparently, I give a good hug because the road commissioner changed my tire for me. While trying to give him money, he simply replied that he had two little girls and could only hope someone would stop to do the same for them.

Being kind enough to follow me home, he witnessed the thing no one would ever expect. That's right, as I was turning the corner to Bowers Road, where I live now, I hit a F**king deer. You cant make this shit up! He stopped, asked what happened and called the police. All I can think is did this really just happen?

Oh and BTW On Tuesday, I spent $400 to get new brakes and roaters for this car and switched my deductible to $2000 when I switched insurance for some reason, and yes, it is 4:30 AM. Sorry, I edit these before I post, but like I said, It's 4:30 and for some reason, I can't sleep. Awesome!! Ha Ha Ha

Hugs & Kisses

Be Cautious of Your Words

I know it's been a while since I last posted something. I started feeling a little uncomfortable about it,  wondering why I was doing it. I felt silly for posting my feeling and opinions so vulnerably for anyone to see. I fell spell to the idea of acceptance. As much as we don't like to admit it, we do things wanting the approval of others. I've always been the one to thinks she's different, but in this aspect I'm not. I want people to like me because I like me. I try hard to be a good person, to be positive person. I, like most people want to make a difference in this world, even if it's a small one. I wondered if the things I write have any effect at all.

I always have these thoughts floating around my head, that have a tendency to go around and around. The funny thing is that I would've never thought of starting a blog, until I was encouraged by friends, before I left GA. I felt quite awkward the first time I wrote my very strong opinions. However, once I started writing I fell in love with it. I fell in love with the ability to organize my words in a way I struggle to do verbally. It's a vulnerability I'm not used to, but the freedom of expressing my emotions is magnetic. Anyone who's ever had more than a five minute conversation with me, knows that I'm a very vehement person. I've dissected every aspect of life and feel passionate about everything I encounter. A passion for life that I can feel slipping away.

The other day, a friend mentioned that I haven't blogged in a while. Shocked by the fact that he actually reads them I told him I wasn't focusing on it as much  because I didn't think many people read them and mentioned how I was feeling about the blog. His reply was "I think you'd be surprised by how many people read it." Thank you. That was the encouragement I needed. It's amazing how something so simple can have an effect on someone. Do people realize that their words influence others, even when they don't try. 

Unfortunately, words are not always encouraging. The question I'd like to ponder today is "why do people act the way they do and say the things they say. Don't people realize that their words and actions effect other people, not only the instant but for life. Before you stand proud to disagree acting full of pride in the fact that you don't allow anyone to penetrate that tough exterior, think about it. No, I mean really think about it. Every relationship has molded you in some way. Exes, friends, parents, bosses... We have all been effected by the way others have made us feel, no matter how much we try not to. The way you are and have been treated has had a trickle effect on the way you treat others. If you were hurt before you've at some point guarded yourself in some way from being hurt again. You've "learned your lesson."

If this has happened to all of us, how come we are not more cautious about how we talk to people. Words can be like daggers. My grandma printed a comment she saw. (on Facebook, no less) 

"...She says this is really the only reason people are ever mean-- they have something hurting inside of them, a claw of unhappiness scratching at their hearts, and it hurts them so much that sometimes they have to push it right our of their mouths to scratch someone else, just to give themselves a rest, a moment of relief." Laura Moriarty

Hmmmmm. I don't think it could be summed up much better than that.

As much as your words hurt, they can also help. Let's be the ones that have a positive effect on a society that focuses so much on negativity. Let's be the ones that make people think about who they are and encourage them to be better. Let's be the ones that make a difference, even if it's a small one :)

So today, I went with my grandparents to see The Vow. I needed that. It was so encouraging. I've been so focused on the negative things in my life, the heart wrenching, uplifting story is exactly what I needed to get my head on straight. (See it! Go see this movie!!) I don't know what other people took from it, but it made me think about how a lot of people want a reset button on life. I've wondered about that also. I wonder how my life would be if I made different choices. We have these defying moments in our lives that can change the entire outcome. Without ruining the movie, it made me think that whatever is meant to happen will happen. We are defined by the choices we make, but that's just it.... choice, freewill, change. We have the ability to change anything we want to. ANYTHING! Remember, it's the choices we make that define us and effect others, take your time to make the right ones.  

Hugs & Kisses

Who You Are Destined To Be?

Do you ever feel like you are a shitty version of yourself? Like you're supposed to be something better, bigger, more influential. I feel like that. I envision the person I'm supposed to be but can't seem to move forward. It's like I'm embarking on the next chapter of my life, but can't seem the move forward from this one. Why? Why can't I escape the restraints of who I am now and become that woman? Am I scared, am I not ready?

I have loved the past few years of my life. I truly believe there is a time in every ones life for self discovery and for me, my 20s was that time. It wasn't easy, but these past few years I've made a conscious effort to figure out who I am and want to be. I've opened doors to my past, discovering who I was and am, I've taken risks, I've made changes. What is holding me back from becoming the person I'm destined to be?

I believe all of life is about balance. I believe the key to happiness is not restraint but a balance between our responsibilities and our amusement. I have a bad habit of concentrating on these things one at a time and not allowing them to live in harmony with one another. I'll go weeks with being responsible, working out, eating healthy, being productive and then fall off the wagon by pushing away the thoughts of consequences for my actions. How do I bring these two opposing concepts  into balance?

My life is one of polar opposites. I strive to be a Yoga instructor, yet work at a bar. I am more than capable of doing so, but am held back by the comfort and freedom of the income provided by working in the service industry. Don't get me wrong, I love working at a bar. I have learned so much of who I want to be and who I don't by interacting with patrons of every place I've ever worked. Which I think is part of the reason I'm so hesitant to make the move. People who come into a bar are there to have fun, to embrace life and sometimes forget about it. They are there to interact with others. People who practice yoga are there to focus on themselves, to improve who they are. 

Thinking of it now, I realize that I am scared to be that influential. I know the power my Yoga instructors have had on my life and fear that responsibility. I know this is a part of growing up. To forget the fears and embrace the risk, but wow. . What if I fail? How do teachers, parents, or leaders of any kind do it? How do they wake up knowing that what they say, do not say, or do, is molding the people they are taking care of? What if they're wrong? What if I'm wrong. What if this person that I'm so proud of being has negative effects. What if when I'm trying to center someone, at the beginning of class, I say something that strikes a cord? That I bring up things they don't want to think about or never have thought about? 

Somewhere, in my heart, I know the person I'm destined to be. I can picture her. Why am I so afraid? Does this happen to everyone? How did you become the person you are now? What helps you to make the hard choices in life? How do you know when it's right?

When I was in college I had two choices, my sophomore year. I, a hospitality major, was in line to pursue an internship at Atlantis in the Bahamas. Professor Spalding, gave me the number of an alumni, who was working there and encouraged me to contact her. He stated that it would look great on my resume. I also had a offer, from some fraternity friends, to go to Georgia, for the summer and sell cars. I didn't know a damn thing about cars but decided to go because I wasn't ready for the responsibility of becoming who I thought I wanted to be.

I went to Georgia and fell in love with it. I loved the people, the weather, the freedom. Many of you might disagree, but it was the best decision of my life. When I first moved, I made a lot of terrible mistakes, however, through those experiences I learned so much myself, causing me to reevaluate my life. In doing so, I made a conscious effort to be a better person. I went from wanting to be a straight forward, business woman to a free thinking Yoga instructor.  I discovered so much of who I was and am with the help of my friends. The imperfectly perfect friends I would never have met if I didn't move to Georgia. Oh my goodness, what a nightmare to think that I might not have the people I met in Georgia in my life.

I know the result of big decisions. I know how one choice can change the rest of your life. At 21, I made the decision in an instant, but now. . . Why can't I do it? What's stopping be from reading the next chapter?

Hugs & Kisses

Pay it Forward

I was once asked the question, "do you think people are by nature good or bad?" Are people instinctively good natured and corrupted by circumstance, experience, or environment? Or are people naturally cold hearted and through much effort and self examination reprogrammed to do good? Like my friend, Kori, said this is a twisted question. I think we can all agree that it is easier to ignore ethics but less satisfying for the soul. Its easier to lie, cheat and steal and take the easy way out, but if you have any moral compass at all these actions tear away at your heart.

After hearing this question, multiple times I have tried to form an unwavering opinion, and unfortunately have yet to do so. At first, and I hate to admit this, but I said people were bad natured due to some negative experiences and because admirable people are more rare to find. After some time, I corrected my hypothesis saying that babies are born innocent and through the challenges of life become corrupt. I do strongly believe that these challenges are tests of faith in God, but the question still lingers.

I bring this up because my new hypothesis was challenged this evening. A less fortunate family of three came in to the restaurant. A kind regular noticed them mulling over the prices of every item on our menu. He had already spent the majority of the afternoon helping me with my new vehicle, and if this wasn't enough, decided to buy this family dinner. Having already deciding what they were having, I informed them that a customer paid for their dinner. Instead of appreciating the generosity of a stranger the began to order multiple items to take home with them. I finally had to be the bitch and say "I'm sorry, but I believe he just meant to pay for your dinner here." I felt awful for doing so, but it also tore my heart apart to whiteness them taking advantage of such a benevolent man. Was I wrong? After telling the regular of this disrespectful turn of events he said he wasn't surprised and appreciated me stopping them.

What do y'all think? Is this what our society has come to? I understand people are less fortunate but that is no excuse for such ungrateful behavior. Is this why some people are so reluctant to help others? Is this why there are bitter people in the world? Is this why so many people refuse to go off welfare and instead take advantage of the system, instead of allowing someone who is truly in need to receive help?

However, then there is the other question. . . How do you know when someone is being sincerely generous, or expecting something in return? This man wasn't expecting something from the family but many times people are do something for someone else only to be owed something. As a woman, we have to watch out for this. I'm not saying men don't, I'm just saying women are more prone to having men expect something from them. A guy offers to buy you a drink. . . What are they expecting? Ha ha we all know. A man offers you a free, no strings attached vacation. . . Please. How do you decipher chivalry from horneyness?

I feel that everyone should participate in the service industry at one point in their lives. You see sooooo many sides of people. You see people at their best and worst and let me tell you, no matter what anyone says, alcohol makes you very very HONEST. You see people who are the ruddest, crudest, obnoxious assholes and in five minutes you'll meet someone so good hearted, kind, and generous. It makes you realize the kind of person you want to be like and the kind you don't. 

Last week, I witnessed a simplistically glorious act of kindness from the man who owns the shop next door. An elderly woman, who was by herself had come into our restaurant on a busy Monday. She was extremely polite and sat there quietly enjoying her meal, observing others. She left me a more than generous tip. Without knowing how kind she was or anything about her, for that matter, this man saw her struggling to get to her car due to the hectic traffic out front. He left his shop, walked her frail body to her car and made sure she drove off safely. 

So what is your opinion? Do you think people are naturally good or bad? What I wish is to see more people "pay it forward". I loved that movie and love the commercials that show the trickle effect of your kindness. (Though I cant remember what they were selling ha ha) I also believe how you act towards others is how others will treat you. Its amazing when you act kind to others others are kind to you. So who do you want to be like? What do you want to receive?

Hugs & Kisses