Who You Are Destined To Be?

Do you ever feel like you are a shitty version of yourself? Like you're supposed to be something better, bigger, more influential. I feel like that. I envision the person I'm supposed to be but can't seem to move forward. It's like I'm embarking on the next chapter of my life, but can't seem the move forward from this one. Why? Why can't I escape the restraints of who I am now and become that woman? Am I scared, am I not ready?

I have loved the past few years of my life. I truly believe there is a time in every ones life for self discovery and for me, my 20s was that time. It wasn't easy, but these past few years I've made a conscious effort to figure out who I am and want to be. I've opened doors to my past, discovering who I was and am, I've taken risks, I've made changes. What is holding me back from becoming the person I'm destined to be?

I believe all of life is about balance. I believe the key to happiness is not restraint but a balance between our responsibilities and our amusement. I have a bad habit of concentrating on these things one at a time and not allowing them to live in harmony with one another. I'll go weeks with being responsible, working out, eating healthy, being productive and then fall off the wagon by pushing away the thoughts of consequences for my actions. How do I bring these two opposing concepts  into balance?

My life is one of polar opposites. I strive to be a Yoga instructor, yet work at a bar. I am more than capable of doing so, but am held back by the comfort and freedom of the income provided by working in the service industry. Don't get me wrong, I love working at a bar. I have learned so much of who I want to be and who I don't by interacting with patrons of every place I've ever worked. Which I think is part of the reason I'm so hesitant to make the move. People who come into a bar are there to have fun, to embrace life and sometimes forget about it. They are there to interact with others. People who practice yoga are there to focus on themselves, to improve who they are. 

Thinking of it now, I realize that I am scared to be that influential. I know the power my Yoga instructors have had on my life and fear that responsibility. I know this is a part of growing up. To forget the fears and embrace the risk, but wow. . What if I fail? How do teachers, parents, or leaders of any kind do it? How do they wake up knowing that what they say, do not say, or do, is molding the people they are taking care of? What if they're wrong? What if I'm wrong. What if this person that I'm so proud of being has negative effects. What if when I'm trying to center someone, at the beginning of class, I say something that strikes a cord? That I bring up things they don't want to think about or never have thought about? 

Somewhere, in my heart, I know the person I'm destined to be. I can picture her. Why am I so afraid? Does this happen to everyone? How did you become the person you are now? What helps you to make the hard choices in life? How do you know when it's right?

When I was in college I had two choices, my sophomore year. I, a hospitality major, was in line to pursue an internship at Atlantis in the Bahamas. Professor Spalding, gave me the number of an alumni, who was working there and encouraged me to contact her. He stated that it would look great on my resume. I also had a offer, from some fraternity friends, to go to Georgia, for the summer and sell cars. I didn't know a damn thing about cars but decided to go because I wasn't ready for the responsibility of becoming who I thought I wanted to be.

I went to Georgia and fell in love with it. I loved the people, the weather, the freedom. Many of you might disagree, but it was the best decision of my life. When I first moved, I made a lot of terrible mistakes, however, through those experiences I learned so much myself, causing me to reevaluate my life. In doing so, I made a conscious effort to be a better person. I went from wanting to be a straight forward, business woman to a free thinking Yoga instructor.  I discovered so much of who I was and am with the help of my friends. The imperfectly perfect friends I would never have met if I didn't move to Georgia. Oh my goodness, what a nightmare to think that I might not have the people I met in Georgia in my life.

I know the result of big decisions. I know how one choice can change the rest of your life. At 21, I made the decision in an instant, but now. . . Why can't I do it? What's stopping be from reading the next chapter?

Hugs & Kisses

Pay it Forward

I was once asked the question, "do you think people are by nature good or bad?" Are people instinctively good natured and corrupted by circumstance, experience, or environment? Or are people naturally cold hearted and through much effort and self examination reprogrammed to do good? Like my friend, Kori, said this is a twisted question. I think we can all agree that it is easier to ignore ethics but less satisfying for the soul. Its easier to lie, cheat and steal and take the easy way out, but if you have any moral compass at all these actions tear away at your heart.

After hearing this question, multiple times I have tried to form an unwavering opinion, and unfortunately have yet to do so. At first, and I hate to admit this, but I said people were bad natured due to some negative experiences and because admirable people are more rare to find. After some time, I corrected my hypothesis saying that babies are born innocent and through the challenges of life become corrupt. I do strongly believe that these challenges are tests of faith in God, but the question still lingers.

I bring this up because my new hypothesis was challenged this evening. A less fortunate family of three came in to the restaurant. A kind regular noticed them mulling over the prices of every item on our menu. He had already spent the majority of the afternoon helping me with my new vehicle, and if this wasn't enough, decided to buy this family dinner. Having already deciding what they were having, I informed them that a customer paid for their dinner. Instead of appreciating the generosity of a stranger the began to order multiple items to take home with them. I finally had to be the bitch and say "I'm sorry, but I believe he just meant to pay for your dinner here." I felt awful for doing so, but it also tore my heart apart to whiteness them taking advantage of such a benevolent man. Was I wrong? After telling the regular of this disrespectful turn of events he said he wasn't surprised and appreciated me stopping them.

What do y'all think? Is this what our society has come to? I understand people are less fortunate but that is no excuse for such ungrateful behavior. Is this why some people are so reluctant to help others? Is this why there are bitter people in the world? Is this why so many people refuse to go off welfare and instead take advantage of the system, instead of allowing someone who is truly in need to receive help?

However, then there is the other question. . . How do you know when someone is being sincerely generous, or expecting something in return? This man wasn't expecting something from the family but many times people are do something for someone else only to be owed something. As a woman, we have to watch out for this. I'm not saying men don't, I'm just saying women are more prone to having men expect something from them. A guy offers to buy you a drink. . . What are they expecting? Ha ha we all know. A man offers you a free, no strings attached vacation. . . Please. How do you decipher chivalry from horneyness?

I feel that everyone should participate in the service industry at one point in their lives. You see sooooo many sides of people. You see people at their best and worst and let me tell you, no matter what anyone says, alcohol makes you very very HONEST. You see people who are the ruddest, crudest, obnoxious assholes and in five minutes you'll meet someone so good hearted, kind, and generous. It makes you realize the kind of person you want to be like and the kind you don't. 

Last week, I witnessed a simplistically glorious act of kindness from the man who owns the shop next door. An elderly woman, who was by herself had come into our restaurant on a busy Monday. She was extremely polite and sat there quietly enjoying her meal, observing others. She left me a more than generous tip. Without knowing how kind she was or anything about her, for that matter, this man saw her struggling to get to her car due to the hectic traffic out front. He left his shop, walked her frail body to her car and made sure she drove off safely. 

So what is your opinion? Do you think people are naturally good or bad? What I wish is to see more people "pay it forward". I loved that movie and love the commercials that show the trickle effect of your kindness. (Though I cant remember what they were selling ha ha) I also believe how you act towards others is how others will treat you. Its amazing when you act kind to others others are kind to you. So who do you want to be like? What do you want to receive?

Hugs & Kisses