Home is Where Your Heart Is

I'm proud to be from Michigan and very lucky to have had the opportunity to be reminded of my roots. Nothing can compare to the importance of knowing where I came from and what trials and tribulations made me the person I am today.  As many of you know, this has not been an easy trip. My faith was tested many times. first, watching my sister suffer through brain surgery; next, facing the ordeal of bringing my family together; also, working with such negative, unhappy people; not to mention, the heartache of leaving who and what I've known behind; the anxiety of not knowing what the next step should be. . . the list can go on. 

Being here I have had to open up doors to memories I closed long ago. How daunting is it that I can simply drive by a place from my past and be filled with flashbacks of events that occurred long ago. We all have skeletons in our closets and facing them is never easy. But I know that, the only way I could be a better person in the future was to acknowledge my past. And Damnit, I did it. I faced my fears, I reconnected with my family, and I will leave this place a better person.

It has taken me a very, very, very long time to know this person, to love this person, to respect and feel honor in the woman that I've become. I couldn't say that if I would've stayed in MI. Leaving 8 years ago was an incredibly difficult decision, but one that was important in the growth of who I was to become. I couldn't have picked a better place to blossom. GA is home to me. It allowed me to branch out, to not me constricted, and to discover who I wanted to be and was. I fell in love with Yoga in GA, learned the importance of my eating habits, and most of all, met this amazing group of people.

My friends in GA mean the world to me. I can not describe how blessed I am to have everyone of you in my life. Y'all gave me the opportunity to completely be myself, without reservation, and was not only accepted, but loved for my individuality. I was telling a friend this past weekend, how in MI my laugh was hushed. Now, I understand that my laugh is a little obnoxious, but never once has anyone in GA hushed me. They laugh with me, even tell me how contagious it is. I don't want to be hushed, I don't want to change, I don't want to be without the love I have in GA.

Crystal, you are one of my bestest friends. I know we didn't have a lot of Nicole & Crystal time because I was pulled in so many different directions, but that's OK because I know no matter how often we talk, you will always know where my heart is. Just being in your presence makes me feel so special, so cared for, so loved. I hope you understand how important your friendship is to me. 

Jacob, Lil bro, how I adore you. YOUR laughter is contagious. I always feel safe around you because I know that, just like a little brother, you will always protect me. 

Sherrie, my goodness. I can not even talk about how important you are in my life. You and Scott are my example of a perfectly imperfect relationship. Your words of wisdom have always touched me and I hope you realize the power you have with them.

All my wonderful regulars. You guys are my rock. No matter what is going on in my world I can count on every one of you to center me and tell me like it is. I was not expecting as many people to ask me to come home. I was so worried that everyone was going to be disappointed in me if I decided to move back. I am so blessed to have y'all in my life.

So the big question.... what am I going to do? I have to come home, no doubt about it. The details are in the works and once I know more I will fill you in. I'm not going to give up on my adventure all together but I also know where I need to be. Thanks again for loving me so much. 

Hugs & Kisses

Faith

Even though I've sounded happy and tough, I'm sure many of you can tell that this trip has not been an easy one for me. It's been difficult to be away from my heart, my friends, normality...Allowing the loneliness to affect me this past month, has caused me to make bad decisions including losing sight of why I moved home.  I haven't been focused on the things I came here to do such as Yoga, family, exercise, nutrition, my faith. Trying to remind myself to stay positive was so difficult. The pressure of making a decisions as to my future, my work overload, and my love life was to much to handle. I was on the verge of giving up when I broke down. Broke down hard! We've all been there, that desperate, broken, achy, heavy feeling you heart gets when you can't take any more. Where do you turn when you are on the edge?

I've always turned to my faith. Every time I do cardio I read Purpose Driven Life, ironically, earlier this week a chapter was on how we turn to God when we are going through a struggle because it feels like there no where else to turn to and "He uses circumstances to develop our character". At 4:00 am, after already being up for sleepless hours, in agony, I had nothing else to do but pray for answers. In the background was the sound of rain from the sleep aid application on my phone, and just like the rain and the tears on my face, a flood of emotion passed through me. I stayed up thinking about EVERYTHING. Figuring out what I should do about my life, career, journey...  I even turned on my computer and did research to the answers I was contemplating.

I started thinking about the day to follow when I realized that I was going to have to drive all over to see my sisters, on my only day off. Then it hit me. "Why don't I ask them all to lunch?" This, was not going to be an easy task, one I immediately doubted. But then I realized that, like everything else in my life, I needed to have faith that it might work out. It was a test to determine the character of me and my sisters. I over analyzed every answer I could get from them, everything that could go wrong, every escape route. Then I thought "but what could go right?" All I could control was putting it out there and see how they responded. All I could do was try. This is the reason I came home, isn't it? Have faith I kept thinking, have faith. 

I honestly can't remember the last time we all got together, just the four of us. After a little persuading ;) they agreed. I was blown away. I rushed out the house, heart racing. I was so anxious, worried about what might happen in the next hour. Was consumed by thoughts of things going wrong, by people backing out last minute,  visualizing any disaster that might occur. Then I reminded myself, "This is really happening. A complete 180 don't need to happen, this is just a baby step. It will work out."

Let me just tell you, it went better than I could've asked for. A little uncomfortable at first, but we had a chance to actually have a lasting memory today. We laughed, joked, shared stories. Talked about Angie's strength, goofiness while she was in the hospital and sheer miracle of it all. Melissa's new job, difficulties of having her little guy, Preston, have heart surgery. Heather and her crazy husbands friends. It was... I can't describe it. I just keep shaking my head, smiling at the fact that it actually happened. All because of taking a chance and having faith. My Grandmother asked if we got a picture and I silently kicked myself for not taking one. I wanted to immortalize this feeling forever.

 I love the ring I wear on my right hand. It says "Faith" on the outside and "Live by faith, not by sight" on the inside. It's a little big, which is why I'm a little nervous about losing it, but none the less, I play with it all the time, reminding myself to follow the inscription. Which brings me to the last thought I had before I finally fell asleep, last night. I dislike the tattoo I have on my lower back. It was the idea of my younger self to allow a stoned man, at a trailer, to permanently mark a crooked tribal looking shape on me for life. Not my brightest decision ever, but sad to say not my worst. I've wanted a word tattooed on my wrist for a while, but had trouble thinking of the perfect one. Surrender, Love, Breathe, Peace... all top runners, then one day I realized "Faith" would be the perfect fit. I try to live my life by faith, not only religiously, but in every aspect. I strive to have faith in people, friends, lovers, family, even difficult circumstances. Let me reiterate TRY. I'm not perfect at this, but I do try. The weather was dreary outside all day today, but I was beaming with joy. I could feel my whole body radiating from the days experience. I was thinking all this as I was listening to Love Don't Run on the radio, looking around I saw a tattoo shop. I'm so so so proud of my sisters. It is not easy to see people after a period of anger or frustration. I love and respect them so much for being able to do this for me (and hopefully for themselves) and will be forever grateful. I thought "I can handle a little physical pain to appreciate the courage and strength they showed today." Yes that's right, I did it. I got the tattoo so I can always remind myself of this day and how powerful faith in something, even if it seems impossible, can be.  

Hugs & Kisses

Adapting to Change

I just got home from my sister, Angie's house. She is doing so great. Had to get her hair all cut off after the surgery, but I think she looks fabulous. She is having a hard time adapting to the changes of her body and appearance, but isn't that the hardest part of any struggle? Adjusting to the new way you look at life and they way your body feels. I"m so proud of her perseverance. 

I enjoyed the night with my adorable little niece, Marley, who always has a way of stealing the show. We played "salon". I don't have children so I'm not used to this simple joy. We did each others nails and makeup. Ha ha I loved every minute of it even despite the fact that I look like I'm a rock star from the 80's. After much coaxing she even let me do her hair to look like aunt Nikki's. She looked like a princess and I simply enjoyed having her brush mine.

We talked about school, her friends, and what she wants to be when she grows up. She told my sister that she wants to be a waitress lik mom so she can help her out at work, since she knows how hard she works. Isn't that just precious? The sheer innocence and love a child has for someone they care about. Marley speaks in such a  "a matter of fact" way that I admire her. How many people do u know that speak their mind that doesn't offend or upset someone else. 

Its so intriguing how my days can be so intertwined with lessons and answers to questions that I  have. The book I'm reading gave such an inspirational quote about making a difference in this world in such an honest way. Its called One Day by David Nicholls saying "Live each day as id it's your your last'. that was the conventional advice, but really, who had the energy for that? What if it rained or you felt a bit glandy? It just wasn't practical. Better by far to simply try and be good and courageous and bold and to make a difference. Not change the world   exactly, but the bit around you. Go out there with your passion... And work hard at something. Change lives... Cherish your friends, stay true to your principles, live passionately and fully and well. Experience new things. Love and be loves, if you ever get the chance."

Throughout this journey I've wanted to make a difference in other peoples lives. Show them that they do not have to be complacent and encourage them to go after what they really want out of life. However, this time in MI has been so centered around working 60 hrs a week that I think I need to change my original plan. The crazy thing is that I'm so hesitant to do so. Which is crazy because that was the whole point of this trip. To adapt and accept the changes/obstacles that come my way. 

So here is the new plan. I want to stay in MI long enough to have a sizable nest egg to travel for a month straight. I now know that working in destinations hinders me from really experiencing them. I want to travel the united states with a tent and really experience my surroundings, then settle in GA and save for my month in an ashram< which will probably not be Guatemala (thanks Al) but somewhere just as exotic. This way I can still have the adventure I'm looking for with the security of a home base. These past few months Ive really realized how important it is to feel secure and at home. 

I understand now why people don't leave. Traveling is all fine and dandy but there is something to be said about security. I never realized what I had until I left it all behind. I miss the fellowship I have with individuals I care about. I miss the comfort of home. I've been searching for this breath of fresh air feeling. that I remember having at my simple apartment in Smyrna. It never mattered what happened during the day because when I  walked through that door, everything disappeared. I was engulfed in love and oneness with myself. I guess it took me leaving to realize how lucky I was. 

I will always travel and make an effort to never be complacent but I now know the importance of home. I'm blessed so much to have two places to call such. MI will always be my roots. It will always be what me who I am and in a way be home but GA is my chosen home. Yes I'm sure I'll find other places Id love to live and one day I may move but when people ask me about home I have no hesitation to say GA because that"s where my heart is and people can see that.

overdramatic, emotional, blunt, and way to focused on the simple things but damn it this is me. How many people can say that? I know who I am and own up to it and my values. So please, please,  please,  take the time to figure out who you are, be true to it and don't let go. Adapt but don"t let go.

Hugs & Kisses

Change of Season

Do you remember, when you were young and you were in awe of the simplest things. You were aware of your surroundings and without effort noticed things that adults would let pass them by. Today and Sunday I made a conscious effort to observe these abandoned wonders. First I went to a park and listened to music under a group of pine trees. It was beautiful. I was mesmerized by the patterns of flight the birds were taking. It was like a dance choreographed to the soothing music I was listening to. They flew in unison with such grace and ease.

After picking up an order of friend rice, I went to my favorite park as a child. These gigantic, yet angelic willow trees live next to a stream that you can cross on a rusty bridge. I lied under these trees and read. What a perfect scene. Looking up to the sky, you could see the long, thin branches delicately flowing with the warm wind. The sound of the breeze, church bells, and children playing was so relaxing. I don't know if it was from the Yoga I had practiced that morning, or the sheer pleasantness of my surroundings, but I felt completely at peace. Or maybe I was just happy to finally have a day off work. Ha Ha

I then drove home, breathing a little easier, admiring the divine colors of the leaves, picked up my nephew and took my dog for a walk. It's amazing how much more you appreciate the little things when you are calm. We noticed the geese, turtles, and all around beauty of the trail. What a great way to connect with him.

Later Sunday night, I went for a drive. I had made a CHEESY CD and decided to play it, with the top down, singing at the top of my lungs. Let me interject here and say if you are trying to leave a voicemail for someone of a sappy song please, please, please make sure you are calling the right person. I got home and my grandma said "Do you realize you called me?" Puzzled I asked "What did I say." She replied "Nothing, all I could hear was a sad country song." How embarrassing. I think it's time to reevaluate your life when you dial your Grandma at 1:30 am. Yes, I'll admit it, I went backroading. Ha Ha I drove down dirt roads that I haven't been on since I was in high school. Drove past Nellenbach farm and half expected to bump into old friends driving with a beer between their legs. I couldn't help but laugh out loud as I fanned my arms out, pretending to be an airplane. Ha Ha I have to admit, there is no better way to see the change of season then with the reflection of  high beams off the leaves of a forgotten dirt road. I loved every minute of it and can't wait to do it again.

This sense of nostalgia and awareness of the season change made me think, of course, about life. We all will get older, but we don't have to forget to take the time to notice the simple things we did when we were young. Never! Season's change, people grow up, this is inevitable. But life doesn't have to stop being an adventure. 

Hugs & Kisses

Decisions, Decisions

One of the many many things I miss about working with such good friends and great regulars is the wonderful advice I received. It wasn’t always what I wanted to hear, but at least I could count on the fact that it was always honest. So here I am, craving advice from the people I love and respect.

How do you make a decision that you know will completely decide the outcome of the rest of your life? I’ve always thought life to be most like a “chose your own adventure” book You know, the one where at the end of a chapter you had to decide what you wanted the character to do and from that decision you’d have to flip to the corresponding page. I would always try to cheat. Ha Ha I’d look ahead to see what would happen, but even that would only take me so far until I had no choice but to make a selection and stick with it.  So again, how do we determine the verdicts of our life?

Some people like to choose the ones with the least amount of risks involved. As you can tell from past blogs, I’m not afraid of risks, but I am afraid of making wrong decisions. Another fear is that of uncertainty. I have no way of knowing which path I chose will, in the end, make me the happiest. I have faith that they both will, but in very different ways. Like many aspects of life, neither choice is a guaranteed reward. Another question is “which is easier?”. . . again, neither. They will both be very difficult and I’m sure sometimes heart wrenching.

What decision do I have to make, you ask? Well, I have an opportunity to obtain something I wanted for a very very long time.  It is at the very top of the list of things I want out of life. If everything works out, it could complete my life, but if not, it could destroy me. The risks are neck and neck with the rewards. Normally, I would tell myself to go for it, but in doing so, I would have to give up this big adventure I have planned. Yes, I could still have a life of adventure, but it’d be different and not as immediate.  I could try to wait until after my adventure is over, but the likelihood of the opportunity still being available to me would be slim. So what do I do? What would you do?

(BTW after reading this I realized that it makes me sound like I’m prego… I most DEFINATLY am not Ha Ha Just wanted to make that clear)

Hugs & Kisses