So here I am. The day before the big move back to GA. I've been waiting for this day for so long and yet, cant believe that it is actually here. I have conflicting emotions. Part of me is so ready to go back to my "normal" life. To go back to what I'm used to. To go back to who I was. But that's just it... who I was is not who I am now. I know it might be hard to believe, but I've changed immensely in the past 10 month. How could I not?
I came back to Michigan, to deal with some things from my past. To get these skeletons out of my closet that have done nothing but bind me. Bottom line, I needed to let go. This is why I didn't go on my great RV adventure. I wasn't finished here. Not only confronting these skeletons but actually having to figure out what they really were was obtained by being here. By being present and also looking at memories of my past. I found them here but let them go when I went to Costa Rica. I gained this by not giving into my fears. By being strong enough to know that the only way I could feel complete was to do let go, to surrender. What do you need to let go of?
My family and I are not perfect. I also came here to play doctor. I mend these wounds in my family that have been hurting for so long. After trying over and over again I realized that this was not my battle. Do you have any idea how hard that is to admit? How difficult it is to say that I can not control or fix something. I've realized that it wouldn't be right. Who am I to take that away from someone else. I've had my share of disagreements in relationships. No one else could fix them but the people in them. Do you have any idea how great it feels to either let go of someone who is toxic or to rekindle a bond with someone you truly love. Who am I to decide how anyone else should react. Who are any of us to judge any one's relationship at all. The only people who knows what best are the ones in it. All I can do is pray that what is best will work itself out. All I can do is pray for peace.
I can not explain to you how much my trip to Costa Rica has molded me. Has allowed me to blossom into the beautiful person that I am right now. I can say that with a confidence that I've never known before. I can say that without guilt because for the first time in my life, I actually think it's true. I fell in love with myself and it's about damn time. I don't mean this in an arrogant, snotty, full of myself kind of way. I mean this as a person who has put in the footwork. One whose life hasn't always been easy one. One who has numerously been knocked down and yet strong enough to dust myself off and get back up. One who has been challenged over and over. One who for the first time, can truly appreciate those challenges because every one of them has made me who I am. When are you going to fall in love with yourself. Because that is the only way you can love another. I always wondered why I could never love fully. I now know it's because I didn't love myself.
I couldn't have done this without the amazing women I met in Costa Rica. It's divine intervention that we were brought together. We all landed at Anamaya with baggage. With tribulations that we had to overcome. Together, as one, we allowed each other to grow. From day one, there was this underlying connection. We couldn't explain it, but didn't need to. It was nothing short of miraculous. 25 women came together without judgement, without jealousy, without envy. We all wanted the same for each other. We all wanted the best for each other because we truly love each other. True love, true compassion, true understanding. Do you know how rare that is? If you have this kind of love in your life, don't ever let it go. Simply sit back and appreciate it, embrace it. Love one another, love yourself. Be kind to one another, be kind to yourself. Forgive one another, forgive yourself. This is the only way one can ever feel whole. The only way you can ever feel complete is to realize that we are all one. That understanding is truly divine, truly beautiful.
Hugs & Kisses
Friday, June 8, 2012
Tuesday, May 8, 2012
Discovering Oneself
Just getting here to Montezuma has been and adventure. I left Miami at 9am taking a 3hr flight to San Jose. The shuttle for Montezuma wasn't supposed to arrive til 2pm so with the 2hr time change, I sat outside on a rough bench for 4hrs. Some of my classmates arrived around 1, who in this short amount of time I can now call some of my greatest friends. We rode in the shuttle for 2hrs only stopping once. Let me just say, this was not one of your off the highway restrooms. It was defiantly a hovering situation, where you didn't want to touch anything. I had to choice but to trust these girls I just met since the door not only didn't lock, but barely closed. Ha ha We then had to hop on a 1 1/2 hr ferry. This was beautiful. The view, the pelicans flying, amazing. However, if you know me you know how I get when I haven't been fed in a few hrs, so I struggled to fight the urge to be a raging bitch. Ha Ha After the ferry we still had and hr and a half drive to Montezuma. It was dark, the roads didn't have lines so it feels like you are either going to crash into another car or flip off the road. And yet, I felt calm, at peace. We finally arrived at Anamaya looking horrific, sticky, sweaty, hungry, tired... and I couldn't have been happier.
At first, it didn't feel real, like I was in a dream. My brain had took a while to realize that this was really happening. That all the hard work, leaving GA, then leaving my family, the rough roads in MI, all really paid off. Dreams come true, but they are never given to you. You have to struggle, to fight, to prove that it is worth it to you. You have to make sacrifices, step out on a limb, and even jump over the edge. As I sit outside and look at this beautiful view, I have to remind myself that I'm really here. I'm actually here. I actually did it. This is exactly where I need to be. Everything from the past has brought me to this very moment in my life. Everything, every struggle, every heartbreak, every decision, every moment has brought me here.
I am learning so much, not only about how to teach Yoga, but also about myself. Our teacher says we can not hold space for someone us until we learn and let go of things that have happen to us. Let me tell you, this is not an easy task. To accept ourselves for who we are and who we've been. Ugh. It's been painful. I've had to dive into rough situations from my past, acknowledging that they happened and then finally allowing them not bind me anymore.
On the first day of this self awareness, many things came up. I felt the urge to get out of here. I had to walk so I went for a hike. (Grandma, you are going to hate this ha ha) I needed to clear my head, needed some alone time. I went through the jungle, behind the resort, down to the waterfall. (it's amazing it's only a 10 minute walk. I can't believe we have a waterfall in our backyard) The walk alone was everything I needed. Nature is my sanctuary. It makes me feel centered, grounded. I hiked away from the waterfall our group has been to and began to hop on rocks up the opposite falls. I loved this. It the most amazing experience. So symbolic to life. Being someone who struggles to get out of her head, it is the perfect test. You have to look ahead of you, but not too far, and figure out which rock you can hop on to get further ahead. You have to make decisions immediately. You can not decide what rocks you want to land on too far upstream because then you'll get ahead of yourself and lose your way trying to get there. Make a decision with what is presented before you and execute it, believe in it, take that step. The path that looks the easiest is not always the case. Sometimes, if you step toward the smooth waters you'll be confronted with no rocks to step on and have to turn around. That's the other great part about it, if you make a mistake you can always turn around, start over and try another way. As I was climbing, reaching a beautiful set of falls, I kept wondering what I would see if I kept going, so I did. I soon realized that every time I reached a climb and was mesmerized by the beauty of what was before me, that this wasn't it. There was always more to discover and the only way for me to see it was to keep going, keep climbing. I loved and appreciated every stage but never being complacent, knowing that there is so much to discover.
Keep climbing. Don't ever be content with where you are. Remember that the only way you will ever see new things is to fight for it, struggle. That way you'll be tested to see if it's really worth it, to know how bad you want it.
Hugs & Kisses
At first, it didn't feel real, like I was in a dream. My brain had took a while to realize that this was really happening. That all the hard work, leaving GA, then leaving my family, the rough roads in MI, all really paid off. Dreams come true, but they are never given to you. You have to struggle, to fight, to prove that it is worth it to you. You have to make sacrifices, step out on a limb, and even jump over the edge. As I sit outside and look at this beautiful view, I have to remind myself that I'm really here. I'm actually here. I actually did it. This is exactly where I need to be. Everything from the past has brought me to this very moment in my life. Everything, every struggle, every heartbreak, every decision, every moment has brought me here.
I am learning so much, not only about how to teach Yoga, but also about myself. Our teacher says we can not hold space for someone us until we learn and let go of things that have happen to us. Let me tell you, this is not an easy task. To accept ourselves for who we are and who we've been. Ugh. It's been painful. I've had to dive into rough situations from my past, acknowledging that they happened and then finally allowing them not bind me anymore.
On the first day of this self awareness, many things came up. I felt the urge to get out of here. I had to walk so I went for a hike. (Grandma, you are going to hate this ha ha) I needed to clear my head, needed some alone time. I went through the jungle, behind the resort, down to the waterfall. (it's amazing it's only a 10 minute walk. I can't believe we have a waterfall in our backyard) The walk alone was everything I needed. Nature is my sanctuary. It makes me feel centered, grounded. I hiked away from the waterfall our group has been to and began to hop on rocks up the opposite falls. I loved this. It the most amazing experience. So symbolic to life. Being someone who struggles to get out of her head, it is the perfect test. You have to look ahead of you, but not too far, and figure out which rock you can hop on to get further ahead. You have to make decisions immediately. You can not decide what rocks you want to land on too far upstream because then you'll get ahead of yourself and lose your way trying to get there. Make a decision with what is presented before you and execute it, believe in it, take that step. The path that looks the easiest is not always the case. Sometimes, if you step toward the smooth waters you'll be confronted with no rocks to step on and have to turn around. That's the other great part about it, if you make a mistake you can always turn around, start over and try another way. As I was climbing, reaching a beautiful set of falls, I kept wondering what I would see if I kept going, so I did. I soon realized that every time I reached a climb and was mesmerized by the beauty of what was before me, that this wasn't it. There was always more to discover and the only way for me to see it was to keep going, keep climbing. I loved and appreciated every stage but never being complacent, knowing that there is so much to discover.
Keep climbing. Don't ever be content with where you are. Remember that the only way you will ever see new things is to fight for it, struggle. That way you'll be tested to see if it's really worth it, to know how bad you want it.
Hugs & Kisses
Friday, April 27, 2012
Anticipation
I can not believe in 12 hrs I will be on a plane that is going to
drop me off in Costa Rica for a month! Honestly, I don't think the
reality of it all has sank in. I'm doing this?! I'm really doing this?!
And yet, I feel like it is exactly what I should be doing. Ha Ha
In the car, to the airport, a thousand thoughts were rolling through my head. All the normal worries about finances, family, etc... It hit me that at this moment I am unemployed. I've never been without a job. I started working at 15 and haven't stopped. This is crazy. My brain was going over all the things I should be worried about and yet I had this sense of peace. I should be worried about what I'm going to do for work when I get back, affording to move back to GA, paying my bills... and some how I feel that everything is going to work out. Guess that's how I know I'm am exactly where I need to be.
When I booked the flight to Miami, I gave my self an extra day here before I left for Costa Rica. Last night, I was wondering why I did so. Having my grandparents around and visiting family members has become very comfortable for me, even though I didn't realize it until I was laying in this hotel bed all alone. I don't even have my pets with me. While I was in MI, I occasionally felt overwhelmed. I lived alone away from family for so long, that it was quite different to have them there. I sometimes felt that I just needed a break. Just a moment of alone time. Funny, how when you get exactly what you think you want, you realize that its not at all what you need. I love the time I spent with them. This has really opened my eyes to how lucky I was to have that opportunity to reconnect. I could barely read the letter my older sister wrote me. I am so blessed!!
Today, I spent time to my self. Reflecting on what is about to happen and what has. I completed my first teacher training assignment. I had to complete it using the book The Heart of Yoga. This book is perfect for me. I have practiced so many different Yoga styles and this is the first time I feel that I, as a Christian, can really connect with one. The Guatemala trip, the Argentina trip, all didn't work out because this is the exact place, exact style that I need to practice, that I eventually need to teach. I love how life just works when you are willing to lift your feet and let the river of life take you wherever it wants to go.
The next time y'all hear from me I'll be in Costa Rica, starting this amazing journey. Oh my goodness!!
Hugs & Kisses
In the car, to the airport, a thousand thoughts were rolling through my head. All the normal worries about finances, family, etc... It hit me that at this moment I am unemployed. I've never been without a job. I started working at 15 and haven't stopped. This is crazy. My brain was going over all the things I should be worried about and yet I had this sense of peace. I should be worried about what I'm going to do for work when I get back, affording to move back to GA, paying my bills... and some how I feel that everything is going to work out. Guess that's how I know I'm am exactly where I need to be.
When I booked the flight to Miami, I gave my self an extra day here before I left for Costa Rica. Last night, I was wondering why I did so. Having my grandparents around and visiting family members has become very comfortable for me, even though I didn't realize it until I was laying in this hotel bed all alone. I don't even have my pets with me. While I was in MI, I occasionally felt overwhelmed. I lived alone away from family for so long, that it was quite different to have them there. I sometimes felt that I just needed a break. Just a moment of alone time. Funny, how when you get exactly what you think you want, you realize that its not at all what you need. I love the time I spent with them. This has really opened my eyes to how lucky I was to have that opportunity to reconnect. I could barely read the letter my older sister wrote me. I am so blessed!!
Today, I spent time to my self. Reflecting on what is about to happen and what has. I completed my first teacher training assignment. I had to complete it using the book The Heart of Yoga. This book is perfect for me. I have practiced so many different Yoga styles and this is the first time I feel that I, as a Christian, can really connect with one. The Guatemala trip, the Argentina trip, all didn't work out because this is the exact place, exact style that I need to practice, that I eventually need to teach. I love how life just works when you are willing to lift your feet and let the river of life take you wherever it wants to go.
The next time y'all hear from me I'll be in Costa Rica, starting this amazing journey. Oh my goodness!!
Hugs & Kisses
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Bittersweet
Wow! What a whirlwind my life has been these past months. I can not
believe my time here in Michigan is about to come to an end. I have
experienced such highs and lows being forced to do nothing but grow. I've been
holding on to the person I was. I feel like a a snake in the midst of shedding its skin, becoming. . . Someone else.
Lately, I've felt so lost and confused. I think I've finally realized
that those are the most appropriate feelings to have. I've been so
consumed by thoughts of what has happened and will happen.. How could I have been so naive, when I
first started this adventure, to think it was going to be different. I
told myself it was going to be a challenge, but I don't think my head
ever told my heart, because it was never prepared to experience the
emotions I have had. Isn't it funny how you can mentally try to prepare
yourself for something some obstacle and you can tell yourself over and
over again that you are strong enough to handle anything that comes your
way only to be humbled when your heart actually has to experience them.
Preparing and planning only allows you to take that first step. Not to
devalue that instant because it is one full of courage and strength, but
DAMN, what happens next is where the road really gets rough.
Now I understand why people dislike change. It is NEVER easy to grow,
however, it is the most agonizing, amazing, bittersweet challenge
someone can ever experience. To put yourself out there and see what you are made
of. To force you to see if your dreams are really worth fighting
for. I still believe that they are and my trip to Costa Rica will tell
the truth. All I know, at this moment, is that I've been humbled.
I feel awful for secluding myself from so many people but that's
exactly what I needed to do. I needed to submerge myself into where I am at
at this very moment to evaluate everything Ive learned. How appropriate
that the end of this adventure will be focused on Yoga which is entirely
about letting go and living in the moment. This one of the many
thing I've learned. I've learned that no matter how much you try to plan
your life, God always has a different idea. It might not feel right at
the moment, but if your faith is strong, it'll work out exactly as it should.
I've learned that families are never perfect, all you can do is accept
how imperfectly perfect they are. That no one can take away the belief
you have in yourself, so hold on to that no matter how hard others try
to take that away and oh they will! People will try to conform you to
who they want you to be so make it a point to discover who you are,
always leaving room for improvement but never compromising your beliefs. I've learned
that everyone needs times of solitude, a place to escape, a place to
call home. I've learned how important it is to never stop dreaming, never
stop growing, never stop seeking adventures because those are the times
we become every thing we are meant to be. I've learned that people come
and go from your life quickly and the importance of figuring out why
they were there The final thing I've learned
is that no matter how lost you feel, your friends, family, the people
who truly love you will always find you.
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Oh Life
I know I've said this so many times, but I apologize for the lack of blogs. I can think of so many reason's why, but bottom line is that I haven't been focused lately. My mind has been preoccupied with... well, with life. I've been working hard to prepare myself for my upcoming teacher training in Costa Rica, and yet it still doesn't seem real. I can't believe in a month, I'll be gone. Not only is it the perplexity of this trip, but the mystery of what's to come after causing me to freak out.
This time in Michigan has lasted longer then anticipated, but I, without a doubt, know it's exactly where I needed to be these past eight months. I've learned so much about myself, my past, and who I want to become. As much as I love Georgia, I needed to step away. I needed to get out of my comfort zone. I was stuck in the routine of working at a bar and drinking with my friends. It's a place I wanted to be stuck. I was overindulging in everything and not focusing on my future, and I was happy doing so. Being here has allowed me to get away from that scene. Yes, I still work at a bar, but I defiantly haven't been drinking as much as I used to. Believe it or not, I've actually turned into a light weight. Ha Ha
Michigan has also allowed me to build these amazing unbreakable bonds with my family. Just yesterday, I spent the morning with my little sister Melissa, her children, and my grandparents. When I would visit the little ones, they didn't know me that well and were very shy. Now we have fun and laugh, nothing in this world will warm your heart more than the sound of a child laughing. I believe now that they love and trust me.Yesterday, when my nephew was scared of a moving toy truck he actually ran to me. He ran to me crying, wrapped his arms around me and I didn't want to let go. I pray that I can hold on to these precious moments forever. I'm so fortunate to have gotten to know Melissa on a deeper level also. She is stronger than she give herself credit for. She is me, years ago, before I realized that I had the power to change my life. I can see her coming into her own and hope that she continues this uphill climb while looking in the mirror everyday reminding herself that she is someone special.
After visiting with them I went to see my older sister, Heather. Being the big sister, she's always protected us, even when we didn't realize it. Her being a mother figure to us hindered our chance to become friends. She has really opened up to me. We've shared so many stories with each other, both good and bad. I'm so fortunate to call her a sister and it took this trip to realize she is more than that, she's also a great friend. I'm so proud of the woman she's become and am excited to see what the next few years will unveil to her.
Next, I went to see my sister Angie and niece Marley. After everything Ang has been through lately, she still has the aura of peacefulness that I admire. She has more patience than I will ever possess. I love sitting with her over a cup of coffee talking about anything and everything. Our views and opinions are so in sync it's scarey. BTW she went to the doctor and got a clean bill of health. It's like the brain surgery never happened. You gotta appreciate those guardian angels. Oh and Marley, she is a five year old after my own heart. We had a Yoga session. Ha Ha That's right, my niece performed downward dog, cobra, boat, and many other poses. I can not wait til she gets older and runs away from home showing up at Aunt Nikki's doorstep. Ha Ha
Lately, I've been thinking about having to say goodbye to everyone again and the thought breaks my heart. Literally, give me a pain in my chest making me cry uncontrollably. I'm so torn by this. However, at the end of the day, I know it have to leave, I know I have to move on, I know I have to grow. Heather showed me a quote yesterday that reminded her of me.
"Sometimes things fall apart, so other things can fall into place."
So here I am, waiting. Waiting to go on this trip, that I know will put everything I've worked for into perspective. I'm not worried about the trip, but I will admit that I am concerned about what happens next. Correction; concerned is the wrong word, I'm more intrigued. Everything will be real. I will be stepping off the plane into the next chapter of my life and it scares the shit out of me. I'm not sure if it's so much the future that scares me or the thought of letting go of the past. Has anyone else ever felt like this? Am I ready to grow up? Do I have what it takes to be everything I'm destined to be? I sure hope so because this month is going to fly by like a freight train.
Hugs & Kisses
This time in Michigan has lasted longer then anticipated, but I, without a doubt, know it's exactly where I needed to be these past eight months. I've learned so much about myself, my past, and who I want to become. As much as I love Georgia, I needed to step away. I needed to get out of my comfort zone. I was stuck in the routine of working at a bar and drinking with my friends. It's a place I wanted to be stuck. I was overindulging in everything and not focusing on my future, and I was happy doing so. Being here has allowed me to get away from that scene. Yes, I still work at a bar, but I defiantly haven't been drinking as much as I used to. Believe it or not, I've actually turned into a light weight. Ha Ha
Michigan has also allowed me to build these amazing unbreakable bonds with my family. Just yesterday, I spent the morning with my little sister Melissa, her children, and my grandparents. When I would visit the little ones, they didn't know me that well and were very shy. Now we have fun and laugh, nothing in this world will warm your heart more than the sound of a child laughing. I believe now that they love and trust me.Yesterday, when my nephew was scared of a moving toy truck he actually ran to me. He ran to me crying, wrapped his arms around me and I didn't want to let go. I pray that I can hold on to these precious moments forever. I'm so fortunate to have gotten to know Melissa on a deeper level also. She is stronger than she give herself credit for. She is me, years ago, before I realized that I had the power to change my life. I can see her coming into her own and hope that she continues this uphill climb while looking in the mirror everyday reminding herself that she is someone special.
After visiting with them I went to see my older sister, Heather. Being the big sister, she's always protected us, even when we didn't realize it. Her being a mother figure to us hindered our chance to become friends. She has really opened up to me. We've shared so many stories with each other, both good and bad. I'm so fortunate to call her a sister and it took this trip to realize she is more than that, she's also a great friend. I'm so proud of the woman she's become and am excited to see what the next few years will unveil to her.
Next, I went to see my sister Angie and niece Marley. After everything Ang has been through lately, she still has the aura of peacefulness that I admire. She has more patience than I will ever possess. I love sitting with her over a cup of coffee talking about anything and everything. Our views and opinions are so in sync it's scarey. BTW she went to the doctor and got a clean bill of health. It's like the brain surgery never happened. You gotta appreciate those guardian angels. Oh and Marley, she is a five year old after my own heart. We had a Yoga session. Ha Ha That's right, my niece performed downward dog, cobra, boat, and many other poses. I can not wait til she gets older and runs away from home showing up at Aunt Nikki's doorstep. Ha Ha
Lately, I've been thinking about having to say goodbye to everyone again and the thought breaks my heart. Literally, give me a pain in my chest making me cry uncontrollably. I'm so torn by this. However, at the end of the day, I know it have to leave, I know I have to move on, I know I have to grow. Heather showed me a quote yesterday that reminded her of me.
"Sometimes things fall apart, so other things can fall into place."
So here I am, waiting. Waiting to go on this trip, that I know will put everything I've worked for into perspective. I'm not worried about the trip, but I will admit that I am concerned about what happens next. Correction; concerned is the wrong word, I'm more intrigued. Everything will be real. I will be stepping off the plane into the next chapter of my life and it scares the shit out of me. I'm not sure if it's so much the future that scares me or the thought of letting go of the past. Has anyone else ever felt like this? Am I ready to grow up? Do I have what it takes to be everything I'm destined to be? I sure hope so because this month is going to fly by like a freight train.
Hugs & Kisses
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Take Risks!
Complaining is a poison. It effects the mood of the individual complaining and the people listening. I have always thought I was strong enough not to be effected by such negativity, but it is apparent that I am not. I have allowed the unhappiness of others to bring me down. I have also fell victim to the addictive nature of complaining. Was it the constant complaining that made me so unhappy or was it my surroundings that caused me to complain. The chicken and egg dispute. At this point it doesn't matter any more which came first. Something had to give.
The main concern I have with people who complain is that they rarely try to change the things they are complaining about. If you want your situation to change, change it; if it's out of your control, change your attitude about it. What I realized was that I could change what I was unhappy about. I was so unhappy about my job. I kept telling myself "It's a mean's to an end" but honestly, it was tearing me down to my breaking point. The situation was only going to change if I had the courage to do something about it.
Being in GA for an extra day, made me concerned about losing my job. I had this horrible sense of anxiety that this would happen, and then I felt this overwhelming sense of relief. I was relieved that I would be forced to go get a new one, a decision I wasn't capable of making on my own. This made me realize that I needed to leave. Like many things in life, I had to have faith that there was something better for me out there and the only way to receive it was to take a risk. The most wonderful things in life are only gained through taking BIG risks. How else would God know if we really deserve them?
Big risks are not easy to take. They are scary, confusing, sometimes complicated... bottom line they are risky. I couldn't have done this or many things I have done without my Georgia family. I was so happy to see my best friends Crystal and Deanna. I can not explain the gratitude I have for both of you in my life. That is exactly what I needed to recharge. It's amazing how a hug or conversation with your true friends can really help remind you who you are.
I didn't get to see everyone I wanted and I am truly sorry for that. Please understand that sometimes when you are at rock bottom, the last people you want to see are the ones who admire you. I didn't want people to know I've failed to do the things I set out to do. I'm a work in progress right now and will see everyone when I get my head on straight and feel more like myself.
Through the past few weeks I have learned a lot. It's been such an emotional roller coaster. I need to pay more attention to the constant reminder on my left wrist to have faith. I was also reminded of the power of putting yourself out there. I've been holding on to so many things, so many emotions. I can not control anyone but myself. The only thing I can do, is take the risk, say what's on my mind, and see what happens. If nothing, then I can finally let it go and at least know I tried.
I miss y'all more than you will ever know!!
Hugs & Kisses
The main concern I have with people who complain is that they rarely try to change the things they are complaining about. If you want your situation to change, change it; if it's out of your control, change your attitude about it. What I realized was that I could change what I was unhappy about. I was so unhappy about my job. I kept telling myself "It's a mean's to an end" but honestly, it was tearing me down to my breaking point. The situation was only going to change if I had the courage to do something about it.
Being in GA for an extra day, made me concerned about losing my job. I had this horrible sense of anxiety that this would happen, and then I felt this overwhelming sense of relief. I was relieved that I would be forced to go get a new one, a decision I wasn't capable of making on my own. This made me realize that I needed to leave. Like many things in life, I had to have faith that there was something better for me out there and the only way to receive it was to take a risk. The most wonderful things in life are only gained through taking BIG risks. How else would God know if we really deserve them?
Big risks are not easy to take. They are scary, confusing, sometimes complicated... bottom line they are risky. I couldn't have done this or many things I have done without my Georgia family. I was so happy to see my best friends Crystal and Deanna. I can not explain the gratitude I have for both of you in my life. That is exactly what I needed to recharge. It's amazing how a hug or conversation with your true friends can really help remind you who you are.
I didn't get to see everyone I wanted and I am truly sorry for that. Please understand that sometimes when you are at rock bottom, the last people you want to see are the ones who admire you. I didn't want people to know I've failed to do the things I set out to do. I'm a work in progress right now and will see everyone when I get my head on straight and feel more like myself.
Through the past few weeks I have learned a lot. It's been such an emotional roller coaster. I need to pay more attention to the constant reminder on my left wrist to have faith. I was also reminded of the power of putting yourself out there. I've been holding on to so many things, so many emotions. I can not control anyone but myself. The only thing I can do, is take the risk, say what's on my mind, and see what happens. If nothing, then I can finally let it go and at least know I tried.
I miss y'all more than you will ever know!!
Hugs & Kisses
Friday, February 17, 2012
You Think You've Had a Bad Night?
Don't you hate when you do the things you know better to do and yet do them anyway, only to see it blow up in your face. The ironic part is that I was driving around tonight after a long day of work, tough workout, and trip to the store at 1am trying to relax from my day only to realize that God has one hell of a sense of humor and will force you to get out of your head and take the time to look at the stars when you least expect it.
I used to drive a '99 GMC Jimmy and had nothing but problems with it. Saying I would never buy an old used vehicle again, I bought and actually saved money from maintenance on new cars. However, when I realized that my Mazda Miata wouldn't last a winter in MI weather, I bought an '03 Hyundai Santa Fe. As most cautious people do, I had it checked out while on a test drive to make sure it was in adequate driving condition. Surprise, Surprise, nothing but problems.
After my day, I felt the perfect cure was a nice, soothing drive, on back roads to examine whats running through my brain. Flash to where I am now. Pulled over on the side of said back road waiting for AAA to save my ass, yet again. At least I've gotten my moneys worth from them. I was driving along, enjoying the hypnotic sensation I find in driving, singing songs out loud to get some aggression out and bam. WTF I have a flat tire. Ha Ha you have got to be kidding me. I'm in the middle of nowhere. I have a cornfield to my right and one random house to my left. Well, at least I have a spare this time.
At first, I was pissed. As I began to laugh out loud, I realized that the first thing I did was tilt my seat back and open up the sunroof, like I did last week while I was at state land property. Ha Ha The other night, I just needed to escape, drove to state land, listened to my favorite music, not feeling that relaxed in a long time. Guess I needed this again.
Thank you for the few random cars to stop, seeing if I was OK. I am but unfortunately, the only AAA partners who woke up to help me live in Flint and cant make it out here for an hour. And unfortunately, you, with your porn star mustache or lack of hygiene are to creepy to help a young lady who was stupid enough to leave the gym without putting a bra on. Ha Ha I did keep my door locked for everyone except for when I saw a flashing light, thinking it was my AAA guy, got out of the car. The man reached for me giving me a hug only to say he was from road commission just passing by. As he was leaving he told me to lock my door.
If it couldn't get any funnier, while I was driving I was thinking about what to write on my blog since my life has been so mundane lately. I was thinking about writing why people drink. Ha Ha seriously! This is why. People need some form of escape from reality. I, like a lot of people I know, am a control freak. I like being in charge of my life and wanna know/be prepared whatever coming next. However, this gets very exhausting causing you sometimes to go off the deep end. This is when you can forget all you inhibitions, reasoning, cautions. It allows you to not say whats really on your mind, yet sometimes do. Ha ha I really want a beer, actually make that a shot of Jameson.
(I wrote that all while I was patiently in my car. This came after, I got home)
My grandparents showed up to sit with me. They now know I started smoking again due to all the cigarette butts on the road by my door. I told them that I was safe to be left alone when the flashing lights showed up. However, it wasn't AAA but the road commission man again, seeing a car behind mine, worried it was a predator, he was trying to save me. BTW this was as I was hanging up trying to find where AAA was, having them tell me their guy was gonna be delayed for another hour. Apparently, I give a good hug because the road commissioner changed my tire for me. While trying to give him money, he simply replied that he had two little girls and could only hope someone would stop to do the same for them.
Being kind enough to follow me home, he witnessed the thing no one would ever expect. That's right, as I was turning the corner to Bowers Road, where I live now, I hit a F**king deer. You cant make this shit up! He stopped, asked what happened and called the police. All I can think is did this really just happen?
Oh and BTW On Tuesday, I spent $400 to get new brakes and roaters for this car and switched my deductible to $2000 when I switched insurance for some reason, and yes, it is 4:30 AM. Sorry, I edit these before I post, but like I said, It's 4:30 and for some reason, I can't sleep. Awesome!! Ha Ha Ha
Hugs & Kisses
I used to drive a '99 GMC Jimmy and had nothing but problems with it. Saying I would never buy an old used vehicle again, I bought and actually saved money from maintenance on new cars. However, when I realized that my Mazda Miata wouldn't last a winter in MI weather, I bought an '03 Hyundai Santa Fe. As most cautious people do, I had it checked out while on a test drive to make sure it was in adequate driving condition. Surprise, Surprise, nothing but problems.
After my day, I felt the perfect cure was a nice, soothing drive, on back roads to examine whats running through my brain. Flash to where I am now. Pulled over on the side of said back road waiting for AAA to save my ass, yet again. At least I've gotten my moneys worth from them. I was driving along, enjoying the hypnotic sensation I find in driving, singing songs out loud to get some aggression out and bam. WTF I have a flat tire. Ha Ha you have got to be kidding me. I'm in the middle of nowhere. I have a cornfield to my right and one random house to my left. Well, at least I have a spare this time.
At first, I was pissed. As I began to laugh out loud, I realized that the first thing I did was tilt my seat back and open up the sunroof, like I did last week while I was at state land property. Ha Ha The other night, I just needed to escape, drove to state land, listened to my favorite music, not feeling that relaxed in a long time. Guess I needed this again.
Thank you for the few random cars to stop, seeing if I was OK. I am but unfortunately, the only AAA partners who woke up to help me live in Flint and cant make it out here for an hour. And unfortunately, you, with your porn star mustache or lack of hygiene are to creepy to help a young lady who was stupid enough to leave the gym without putting a bra on. Ha Ha I did keep my door locked for everyone except for when I saw a flashing light, thinking it was my AAA guy, got out of the car. The man reached for me giving me a hug only to say he was from road commission just passing by. As he was leaving he told me to lock my door.
If it couldn't get any funnier, while I was driving I was thinking about what to write on my blog since my life has been so mundane lately. I was thinking about writing why people drink. Ha Ha seriously! This is why. People need some form of escape from reality. I, like a lot of people I know, am a control freak. I like being in charge of my life and wanna know/be prepared whatever coming next. However, this gets very exhausting causing you sometimes to go off the deep end. This is when you can forget all you inhibitions, reasoning, cautions. It allows you to not say whats really on your mind, yet sometimes do. Ha ha I really want a beer, actually make that a shot of Jameson.
(I wrote that all while I was patiently in my car. This came after, I got home)
My grandparents showed up to sit with me. They now know I started smoking again due to all the cigarette butts on the road by my door. I told them that I was safe to be left alone when the flashing lights showed up. However, it wasn't AAA but the road commission man again, seeing a car behind mine, worried it was a predator, he was trying to save me. BTW this was as I was hanging up trying to find where AAA was, having them tell me their guy was gonna be delayed for another hour. Apparently, I give a good hug because the road commissioner changed my tire for me. While trying to give him money, he simply replied that he had two little girls and could only hope someone would stop to do the same for them.
Being kind enough to follow me home, he witnessed the thing no one would ever expect. That's right, as I was turning the corner to Bowers Road, where I live now, I hit a F**king deer. You cant make this shit up! He stopped, asked what happened and called the police. All I can think is did this really just happen?
Oh and BTW On Tuesday, I spent $400 to get new brakes and roaters for this car and switched my deductible to $2000 when I switched insurance for some reason, and yes, it is 4:30 AM. Sorry, I edit these before I post, but like I said, It's 4:30 and for some reason, I can't sleep. Awesome!! Ha Ha Ha
Hugs & Kisses
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