Happy Birthday to Me :)

Merry Christmas! I hope everyone is enjoying this special moment in time to spend with their loves ones. I also hope y'all have taken the time to tell them how important they are to you.

This is my first birthday in forever that I have been single. Part of me thought it was going to be difficult and part of me thought it would be great. There have been days this past month when I really missed feeling that connection with someone. I am very aware that I have been filling this void with bad decisions. I've been jumping into things I shouldn't. They don't make me feel good about myself. Just make me realize that I've become weak in holding out for what I really want.

I recently hung out with this man who is the total Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. The first time we hung out, he was a complete gentleman. Shared so many personal things with me. I used to think he was your typical "Asshole" but he even went so far as to reveal to me that he only behaved this way to protect himself. He felt that if he was always stereotyped as the jerk he would never be vulnerable enough to be hurt. This made total sense to me. Then the next time I saw him, he was that jerk. Why? Is he so scared to be true to who he is? Does he know who he is?
  (Anyways, I about thought the man I hung out with recently, I did some thinking about if he really was acting like a jerk. Part of me says yes and part had to acknowledge that he was acting like I have before. I'm used to getting my way. Ouch! That's so hard to admit. He is used to getting things his way. So was he being rude or just wanting things his way? Hmmmmm)

Another guy I dated, months ago, was completely the opposite. He weaseled his way in to my heart, even though I'm usually to protective to let that happen. He convinced me to let my guard down and I was stupid enough to fall for it. I allowed myself to fall for him, head over heels. We knew the distance was going to be difficult, but deep down believed that it would work out and we would be together in the end. Well... long story short, my heart was crushed. As the inevitable desolation of our relationship became apparent to me I told him I was an idiot for falling for him. He said "You weren't an idiot, you were in love." What an ass.Ha Ha

So what's better? The obvious asshole or the hidden on. Ha Ha Why are these the options? When I was thinking about how to write about this I looked around my room for guidance. I picked up a few books and sat in my bed about to read through them, when I realized what I was holding. I had two books in my hand. One my friend, Crystal, had given me as a birthday gift called Love. She knows how much I enjoy quotes, so got me a little book with nothing but lovey dovey quotes in it. The next was one from my sister called Success. She received it from work. It, obviously,  holds quotes about success. Ha Ha I laughed out loud at the irony. Is this what it boils down to? Making a decision between love or success? Why don't they coincide?

I know this might be hard to believe, but through all this confusion I have decided one thing. I need to focus on myself. This is what this journey was all about. I have taken the time to reconnect with my family, and will continue to do so before and after I leave. In the meantime, I need to just say no to everything that isn't focusing on my goal. This might be a lonely road, but it's one I need to take.

Which brings me to what I'm doing, right now, on my birthday. A few people thought this was crazy and rightfully so. I already had my family Christmas so today I planned on celebrating my birthday. My lovely sister, Melissa, got me this bad ass discount on a suite at the Best Western in Lapeer. I rented a hotel room for just me today. Multiple people invited me over, including family members and I truly appreciate the kindness, but today was to be my day, for me. I was skeptical, but... BEST IDEA EVER!!!! As soon as I walked in the door I took an hour long Jacuzzi bath. Ha Ha Everyone needs a tub like this! Ladies, you would be impressed. Happy Birthday to me. I then dried off and did some candle light Yoga. Felt awesome! Listen, everyone needs to take the time to love themselves and pamper themselves. Most people would think that this was all so romantic but you know what, romance yourself. Ha Ha I feel great about myself right now. I looked f***ing hot in the mirrors surrounding the tub. This might sound narcissistic, but hey, you can't love anyone else til you love yourself.

I then spent the past couple hours figuring out my upcoming adventures. Read the side of the blog for my new plan. I'm so so so so excited. (to the people I work with, please allow me to tell Vik myself) I love you all, Merry Christmas. Love others, but don't forget yourself. :)

Hugs & Kisses

The Giving Season

I know many people have heard the old song and dance about how people forget the meaning of Christmas and I have known this to be true. I'm not quite sure if it's because I'm getting older, or because I have a different outlook on things lately, but for some reason, this year seems to be different. I usually despise Christmas music, however, this year I find myself not only singing along, but playing it. I've enjoyed looking at all the spectacular lights and decorations. As I look around, it appears as though other people have been kissed by the spirit of Christmas as well. My fellow coworkers have not only sung the music that plays throughout the bar, some have even been moved to dance along. Ha Ha I love it. 

So why this glorious cheerfulness for the holiday? I believe people have finally come to realize what the spirit of Christmas is all about. We need this holiday to survive the rest of the year. We need this time to feel joy and love. Christmas is to celebrate the birth of Christ and even if you are not religious, you can still celebrate what he stood for. He only loved. Wow, the power of LOVE. When you celebrator someones birthday you acknowledge all that they are. Compassionate, kind, understanding, loyal, appreciative, forgiving. This is not a time to hold grudges, it's a time to let go. It's not about who's right or wrong or who should apologize. It's a time to understand that we all make mistakes and have been graciously forgiven.

Giving has really been the theme this year. I was so excited to give the gifts I picked out, never concerned about what I was to receive. I've already had my family party, and was so pleased with the feedback from them. My sisters were so happy with the rings I gave them. You see, I've been trying to think of something for all of us to wear that represented our connection. I was driving myself crazy trying to think of the perfect item. Then, one day, as I was spinning my Faith ring around my finger, like I've done many times before, I realized that that would be the perfect gift, especially after I got the tattoo for the same very reason. I wrote a note to accompany the tiny keepsake that encouraged them to have faith in anything, to have faith in EVERYTHING, to accept the fact that where they are in their lives right now, is exactly where they are supposed to be. They were speechless.

My little sister, Melissa, told me she was never going to take it off and posted on her facebook that it will help remind her to have faith in herself and others. :) Heather glowed tonight about it to a friend, while we were at my nephews band concert. As I was asking Angie if she was going to put it on a necklace since I knew her right ring finger was reserved for he fiance who past away she laughed and said "How do you do that?" She said that she was recently (two days ago) strong enough to take it off and her finger felt naked. There couldn't have been a more appropriate replacement. I told her it wasn't me who knew she needed it. :)

I have someone in my life that due to their mental disability, can not work. She receives very little money for groceries, bills, etc. She saved up every dime she had the past few months to buy presents for me, my sisters, my nieces and nephews, and even my grandparents. At lunch today, she mentioned that she didn't have cigarettes or groceries because she wasn't about to spend a dime on herself, until she knew that all her gifts were payed for. Broke my heart. My wonderful grandparents were the ones who offered to take her to lunch today. As we sat at the restaurant, she began to cry. I didn't have to ask why, because I knew this was all she wanted. She wanted to feel cared for and loved. She prayed to God multiple times, appreciating him for this moment in time.

Remember what this holiday is all about. Appreciate the ones you have in your life, and simply love them. You'd be surprised how many people would think that love is the greatest gift of all.

Hugs & Kisses

Where Are All the REAL MEN???

I've talked about this multiple times, especially in a group of frustrated girlfriends. Now, it"s time to post something about it.

Seriously, where did all the "real" men go? I want to find a MAN. Not these wimpy, whiny, pansies, I've been meeting. Seriously! Ha Ha Half of them don"t have the balls to ask a girl out and when they finally do, they are to accommodating. Women you know what I mean. We get bombarded with questions; where do you wanna go?, what do you wanna do?, do you wanna go to a movie?, which movie?, where do you want to meet? F**K THAT! Listen, if you as a man see a girl you think is pretty and possibly want to get to know more about, man up, ask her on a REAL date, and plan the damn thing. Ha ha Stop worrying about what we want to do or think. Be creative and plan something. Your confidence will get you far.

On that note, however, there is a fine line between confidence and arrogance. No one wants a douchey man who thinks women should fall at their feet. Gross. Oh and lay off the steroids. Workout but don't get all crazy about it. Steroids make you crazy and greasy and shrink your penis. Can you really afford to lose any inches down below?

Ha ha these men make me want to rip my hair out, or become a lesbian. Buts lets be honest, that could never do it for me. Besides, if I think men are bitchy what would I think of a girl. Goodness. No thank you.

So here's a little secret, be yourself, and be confident in that man. We like goofy and funny but also strong. Don't be a rock but don't be too sensitive and cry all the time. Ugh! I can't believe how many times I've seen a man cry, over something stupid. Cry when you are hurting and when drastic, not because you favorite TV show is cancelled. Man up. Be men, play sports, don"t be afraid to get dirty, have fun, be aggressive.

There is nothing sexier than when a man sees what he wants and goes for it. If you want to kiss me, place your hand on the back of my head, pull be toward you and just do it. I swear if another guy asks me "may I kiss you" I'm gonna slap someone. No, no you may not now you loser, you could've if you would've just grew a pair and did it, but not now that you've asked Ha ha 

Listen, I'm not the only woman who feels this way. We are tired of being the "man" in every relationship. Please for the love of God, start acting like men. Now let me point out that I didn't say little boys. Ha ha

Hugs & Kisses

Golly

Ugh work! Ha ha it"s so time consuming and exhausting. I know I'm doing the responsible thing by working my little booty off to pay for my Yoga trip, to go cross country for a month straight, and to save up for a down payment on a house when I move back to GA. I understand the sacrifice of free time for goals, but golly. (Yeah, I said it, GOLLY) It's a hard realization to accept the fact that you are an adult and can"t act like a teenager anymore.

The best part of my day was leaving work and finding time to listen to the voicemails my best friends left me.Oh my goodness. My cup overflowed with love. I saved them for those days when times get tough and the only medicine is their voice. I got choked up listening to them because they were from the heart and I couldn't help but notice the shakiness in their voices when they told me they love and miss me. I could picture Tray moving her hands when she talked and Crystal making her signature facial expressions. Ashley, Crystal, I miss you more than I can express. My heart is blessed to know you.

Appropriate quote I've heard recently. . .
"If it were easy Hallmark would go out of business and there'd be no need for sappy love songs"

Hugs & Kisses

Oh Hell No or... Oh Hell Yes?!

Oh my goodness. Today, work was dreadfully slow partially because of the "Winter Snow Advisory" but unfortunately, my boss overstaffed and didn't cut anyone due to the fundraiser we were having for the Oxford basketball team. Needless to say, I was stuck and getting very irritated.

Upon my release, I noticed the horrific amount of snow that had accumulated during my shift, yet, I was determined to get home. I thought, "Even though I own a small Mazda Miata, I just bought new tires and they will get me there safe." So I took a chance, scrapped the snow off my windows with the only thing I could find, an unused CD case and began to drive. Iwas very happy about the way my fancy tires were gripping the road, and then I hit M24. WTF! I could barely see in front of me. The only things visible were the two lines the tires of a car before me had paved and the snow covered ditch. No matter how hard my tires gripped through the slush, I was sliding. I then reduced my speed to an annoying 35 mph, turned off the radio, sat to the edge of my seat, clenched the steering wheel with white knuckles and adventured on.

I normally live 25 minutes away from work, so 20 minutes later and still a long way to go, I slowly pulled over to a gas station, called my heroic Grandparents to come get me, and went inside. The first gas station said they were closing causing me to get back into my car to try the next. The kind attendant agreed to allow my car to sleep in the parking lot over night. Of course, I had to be a customer of the store, so I bought the one thing I thought I deserved, a beer. That's right, I bought a 24oz Bud Light, sat in my car and drank it. To avoid a DUI, I placed a scarf around my neck, put the hat my sister made on, and took my keys out of the ignition. The beer was cold in my hands, so I reached for my gloves. Of course, I could only find one and dubbed it my beer drinking mitten. Ha Ha At first, I wasn't proud of this moment, however, after a few swigs of that glorious nectar, I reevaluated the situation, appreciating my "badassness."

Ha Ha Ha I miss GA!

Hugs & Kisses

Thanksgiving.... Of course, what else would I talk about

Today is a day to give thanks for the wonderful and even not so wonderful things in our lives. I believe that this should be done more often than once a year, but understand that we get so caught up in our lives the chaos that we forget to take the time to reflect on all that is good in our lives, which is why I appreciate the yearly reminder. Question: has everyone done so today? Have you really taken the time to appreciate it all? Make a list, mentally or on paper. Now, don"t forget to remind yourself of this list of gifts on those days when you think life is rough or nothing is good in your life. My list. . .

1. Faith; I appreciate the faith I have, actually try to have, in everything. I aspire to live my life by faith. I"m not meaning only the churchy churchy stuff either. Yes, I appreciate my faith in God, because it has helped me through many struggles and confusions, but there is so much more to my faithfulness. I have faith in my belief everything will work out, that I experience the things I do for a reason, and that where I am and what I'm doing at this very moment is exactly where I'm supposed to be. I have faith that love is powerful and will always conquer. I have a new found faith in the heart of people. I used to think people were bad at heart. I thought good people were not the norm because it is so difficult. I now believe that people are good at heart and through their environment have become corrupt. It's a struggle to regain that pure innocence but I have faith that it is possible.

1. My grandparents; they have been there for me and my sisters our whole lives, taking us out of horrible situations. Every happy family memory I have, from my childhood, is because of them. Even today, they've taken me in and have accepted my unconventional lifestyle. I haven't always agreed with them and they haven't always agreed with me but the love has always been there, even when its not obvious.

1. My sisters; I wish you could understand how much I love you. I know sometimes its hard to look back, but there is no reason why we can't be hopeful for the future. We also have not all always agreed, now, lets be honest, won't always will,  but the love is always there!! Whether you want to admit it or not. Ha ha "Hero" by Foo Fighters is on the radio and I can't help but smile. You girls are my heroes. You have all been through hell and bake and look at the amazing women you have become. Appreciate that! Embrace that! You are amazing mothers in your own unique ways. I can't imagine measuring up to that.

1. My true friends; oh my goodness,words can not do justice for the way I feel about y'all. I am so lucky to have friends who love me for exactly who I am, who make me want to be a better person, who have showed me so much love and  compassion, and who are honest with me, even when it's hard.
Deanna and I, the other day, were talking about relationships (like girls always do) and she said to me, "You want a perfect story and when it's not, you find something wrong with the guy and find a reason to leave them." Ouch! But its true and hopefully, I'll keep this in mind next time. The funny thing is I was reading out of one of my books today that said "If you wait for perfect conditions, you will never get anything done."

1. Men. Ha ha to all the men from my past who have tried to tame this wild creature. My ex, Mike told a friend, "Nicole is like the wind, never able to capture, you just have to sit back and enjoy the breeze." Y'all have molded me in so many ways. I know I didn't make things easy. Ha Ha. I just wanted to let you know, I appreciate you for trying.

1. Nature; i appreciate the beauty of nature. I just saw a sign, on a chapel that said, "Where memory lives in beauty" I love my nature trails and have been given so many answers through nature. Everyone can receive these signs if you take the time to look. For instance, when I first came back to MI from GA, I took Cody for a walk to do some thinking. The confusion about whether to move back was consuming me. Then out of no where, these geese started quacking and flapping their feathers. Now, let me tell you, I have seen these geese, at this park all summer. There are about 500 of them who mind their business, rarely making a sound. So they start freaking out causing me to stop and look at what's going on. All the sudden, they start to fly, in groups of about 20 at a time. I had to laugh out loud. They are flying south for the winter. Ha Ha


1. People who attempt to preserve nature; I saw a lady bend over to pick up trash and throw it in the basket. Why cant more people do this? The environment is like our hearts. The less clutter and trash the happier and cleaner life can be. Ha ha cheesy I know.

1. My pets; now this is true love. Their unaltered love and loyalty to me is . . .at a loss for words. It shows how pure and unselfish love can really be. They warm my heart dailey.

1. This awesome old couple at the bar; So I had an old couple sit in my section and, of course, the first thought that came to mind was "shit". Ha ha those of you in the servixce industry understands. To my surprise they were pretty bad ass. You can tell they were so in love. They laughed, held hands, starred into each others eyes. They made me laugh so hard at times, I thought I was going to cry. The old man joked about how he was gonna pay for the bill. I said he could wear my apron and finish my shift. He agreed and said I could take his wife to get drinks at the bar next door. He paused and said "wait a minute, it'd probably be cheaper for me to pay this tab instead of the one you two will rack up, flirting with all the young men, over there." Ha ha

1. Yoga; I discovered Yoga a few years ago and couldn't help but fall in love. It has changed my life. It's made me take time to appreciate the things I've taken for granted. It's more than a wonderful workout, it's a way of life. It's one of those things you can't explain, you just have to experience it. So try it!

The point of all this, appreciate the big thigs in your life but dont forget to also appreciate the small ones. There is no need to rank them, they all mold your character in someway.

"Do all the good things u can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, at all the times you can, to all the people you can, as long as you can." John Wesley
Happy Thanksgiving!

Hugs & Kisses

Everlasting Friendships

I know it's been a long time since I last blogged and I apologize. I have been working soooooo much. It's also very exhausting trying to figure out what the next step for me is. I need a life coach; any takers?

So yesterday, at work, a little girl was sitting at a table with her parents, making friendship bracelets. I commented on how lovely they were and how much work they must be. She blushed, chatting a little, while going about her business. About 30 minutes later, she walked up to me and handed me an adorable pink, white, and purple one she made right there and then, for me. I told her how much I loved it stating that purple was my favorite color (even though it's actually teal). What a sweetheart.

Today, I started thinking about what to write, then the thought of relationships and the little girl came to mind. It was so easy for her to give her "friendship" away, to a complete stranger, why is it so difficult for us, as adults to do the same? People come in and out of our lives so quickly, how do we know what relationships to hold on to, and which ones to let drift away?

I know the close friends I have now will be around for the rest of my life. We can go days or months without talking but, without a doubt, that bond is forever. I have a friend, Mark, who I see very rarely. When we do, it's like a minute hasn't gone by. The last time we hung out, we stayed up all night, at the fountain outside Atkins Park talking about everything. Ha Ha Him and others have made me a better person through their love and friendship.

I'm not saying my relationships with all of them are perfect, because they definitely aren't. We have all had disagreements but have allowed the love we have for one another to conquer any fight. This is the test of a true relationship. People are not the same and it's very easy to forget that. Remember to always take a step back at look at the other persons point of view. You don't have to agree, as long as you understand where they are coming from and remember that they are not you.

So my question again, how do you know what relationships to hold on to and which to let go of? I've had friends in my past, who I've matured past, and thank God I did. We were heading in different directions. Instead of being swept in the current of their lives, I swam a different stream. These relationships were important in the growth of my character but were not intended to be lasting factors in my life.

I guess my answer is that you just have to decide which ones are worth fighting  for, because there are defiantly going to be tests to any great relationship. But isn't that the point of those battles? To test where you loyalty is, where you heart is, what is important to you.

I recently told my sisters that I wanted to give up trying so hard. I was frustrated, emotionally and physically drained... But the truth is, I'll never give up trying to build strong relationships with them. Loving them is one of the most important things in my life. Yes, we will all fight, yes we will all disagree (mostly because we are all so damn stubborn Ha Ha) But I will never give up!

What relationships do you want to hold on to? Are there any that you want to get back, even if it means swallowing your pride? What's important to you?

Hugs & Kisses

Home is Where Your Heart Is

I'm proud to be from Michigan and very lucky to have had the opportunity to be reminded of my roots. Nothing can compare to the importance of knowing where I came from and what trials and tribulations made me the person I am today.  As many of you know, this has not been an easy trip. My faith was tested many times. first, watching my sister suffer through brain surgery; next, facing the ordeal of bringing my family together; also, working with such negative, unhappy people; not to mention, the heartache of leaving who and what I've known behind; the anxiety of not knowing what the next step should be. . . the list can go on. 

Being here I have had to open up doors to memories I closed long ago. How daunting is it that I can simply drive by a place from my past and be filled with flashbacks of events that occurred long ago. We all have skeletons in our closets and facing them is never easy. But I know that, the only way I could be a better person in the future was to acknowledge my past. And Damnit, I did it. I faced my fears, I reconnected with my family, and I will leave this place a better person.

It has taken me a very, very, very long time to know this person, to love this person, to respect and feel honor in the woman that I've become. I couldn't say that if I would've stayed in MI. Leaving 8 years ago was an incredibly difficult decision, but one that was important in the growth of who I was to become. I couldn't have picked a better place to blossom. GA is home to me. It allowed me to branch out, to not me constricted, and to discover who I wanted to be and was. I fell in love with Yoga in GA, learned the importance of my eating habits, and most of all, met this amazing group of people.

My friends in GA mean the world to me. I can not describe how blessed I am to have everyone of you in my life. Y'all gave me the opportunity to completely be myself, without reservation, and was not only accepted, but loved for my individuality. I was telling a friend this past weekend, how in MI my laugh was hushed. Now, I understand that my laugh is a little obnoxious, but never once has anyone in GA hushed me. They laugh with me, even tell me how contagious it is. I don't want to be hushed, I don't want to change, I don't want to be without the love I have in GA.

Crystal, you are one of my bestest friends. I know we didn't have a lot of Nicole & Crystal time because I was pulled in so many different directions, but that's OK because I know no matter how often we talk, you will always know where my heart is. Just being in your presence makes me feel so special, so cared for, so loved. I hope you understand how important your friendship is to me. 

Jacob, Lil bro, how I adore you. YOUR laughter is contagious. I always feel safe around you because I know that, just like a little brother, you will always protect me. 

Sherrie, my goodness. I can not even talk about how important you are in my life. You and Scott are my example of a perfectly imperfect relationship. Your words of wisdom have always touched me and I hope you realize the power you have with them.

All my wonderful regulars. You guys are my rock. No matter what is going on in my world I can count on every one of you to center me and tell me like it is. I was not expecting as many people to ask me to come home. I was so worried that everyone was going to be disappointed in me if I decided to move back. I am so blessed to have y'all in my life.

So the big question.... what am I going to do? I have to come home, no doubt about it. The details are in the works and once I know more I will fill you in. I'm not going to give up on my adventure all together but I also know where I need to be. Thanks again for loving me so much. 

Hugs & Kisses

Faith

Even though I've sounded happy and tough, I'm sure many of you can tell that this trip has not been an easy one for me. It's been difficult to be away from my heart, my friends, normality...Allowing the loneliness to affect me this past month, has caused me to make bad decisions including losing sight of why I moved home.  I haven't been focused on the things I came here to do such as Yoga, family, exercise, nutrition, my faith. Trying to remind myself to stay positive was so difficult. The pressure of making a decisions as to my future, my work overload, and my love life was to much to handle. I was on the verge of giving up when I broke down. Broke down hard! We've all been there, that desperate, broken, achy, heavy feeling you heart gets when you can't take any more. Where do you turn when you are on the edge?

I've always turned to my faith. Every time I do cardio I read Purpose Driven Life, ironically, earlier this week a chapter was on how we turn to God when we are going through a struggle because it feels like there no where else to turn to and "He uses circumstances to develop our character". At 4:00 am, after already being up for sleepless hours, in agony, I had nothing else to do but pray for answers. In the background was the sound of rain from the sleep aid application on my phone, and just like the rain and the tears on my face, a flood of emotion passed through me. I stayed up thinking about EVERYTHING. Figuring out what I should do about my life, career, journey...  I even turned on my computer and did research to the answers I was contemplating.

I started thinking about the day to follow when I realized that I was going to have to drive all over to see my sisters, on my only day off. Then it hit me. "Why don't I ask them all to lunch?" This, was not going to be an easy task, one I immediately doubted. But then I realized that, like everything else in my life, I needed to have faith that it might work out. It was a test to determine the character of me and my sisters. I over analyzed every answer I could get from them, everything that could go wrong, every escape route. Then I thought "but what could go right?" All I could control was putting it out there and see how they responded. All I could do was try. This is the reason I came home, isn't it? Have faith I kept thinking, have faith. 

I honestly can't remember the last time we all got together, just the four of us. After a little persuading ;) they agreed. I was blown away. I rushed out the house, heart racing. I was so anxious, worried about what might happen in the next hour. Was consumed by thoughts of things going wrong, by people backing out last minute,  visualizing any disaster that might occur. Then I reminded myself, "This is really happening. A complete 180 don't need to happen, this is just a baby step. It will work out."

Let me just tell you, it went better than I could've asked for. A little uncomfortable at first, but we had a chance to actually have a lasting memory today. We laughed, joked, shared stories. Talked about Angie's strength, goofiness while she was in the hospital and sheer miracle of it all. Melissa's new job, difficulties of having her little guy, Preston, have heart surgery. Heather and her crazy husbands friends. It was... I can't describe it. I just keep shaking my head, smiling at the fact that it actually happened. All because of taking a chance and having faith. My Grandmother asked if we got a picture and I silently kicked myself for not taking one. I wanted to immortalize this feeling forever.

 I love the ring I wear on my right hand. It says "Faith" on the outside and "Live by faith, not by sight" on the inside. It's a little big, which is why I'm a little nervous about losing it, but none the less, I play with it all the time, reminding myself to follow the inscription. Which brings me to the last thought I had before I finally fell asleep, last night. I dislike the tattoo I have on my lower back. It was the idea of my younger self to allow a stoned man, at a trailer, to permanently mark a crooked tribal looking shape on me for life. Not my brightest decision ever, but sad to say not my worst. I've wanted a word tattooed on my wrist for a while, but had trouble thinking of the perfect one. Surrender, Love, Breathe, Peace... all top runners, then one day I realized "Faith" would be the perfect fit. I try to live my life by faith, not only religiously, but in every aspect. I strive to have faith in people, friends, lovers, family, even difficult circumstances. Let me reiterate TRY. I'm not perfect at this, but I do try. The weather was dreary outside all day today, but I was beaming with joy. I could feel my whole body radiating from the days experience. I was thinking all this as I was listening to Love Don't Run on the radio, looking around I saw a tattoo shop. I'm so so so proud of my sisters. It is not easy to see people after a period of anger or frustration. I love and respect them so much for being able to do this for me (and hopefully for themselves) and will be forever grateful. I thought "I can handle a little physical pain to appreciate the courage and strength they showed today." Yes that's right, I did it. I got the tattoo so I can always remind myself of this day and how powerful faith in something, even if it seems impossible, can be.  

Hugs & Kisses

Adapting to Change

I just got home from my sister, Angie's house. She is doing so great. Had to get her hair all cut off after the surgery, but I think she looks fabulous. She is having a hard time adapting to the changes of her body and appearance, but isn't that the hardest part of any struggle? Adjusting to the new way you look at life and they way your body feels. I"m so proud of her perseverance. 

I enjoyed the night with my adorable little niece, Marley, who always has a way of stealing the show. We played "salon". I don't have children so I'm not used to this simple joy. We did each others nails and makeup. Ha ha I loved every minute of it even despite the fact that I look like I'm a rock star from the 80's. After much coaxing she even let me do her hair to look like aunt Nikki's. She looked like a princess and I simply enjoyed having her brush mine.

We talked about school, her friends, and what she wants to be when she grows up. She told my sister that she wants to be a waitress lik mom so she can help her out at work, since she knows how hard she works. Isn't that just precious? The sheer innocence and love a child has for someone they care about. Marley speaks in such a  "a matter of fact" way that I admire her. How many people do u know that speak their mind that doesn't offend or upset someone else. 

Its so intriguing how my days can be so intertwined with lessons and answers to questions that I  have. The book I'm reading gave such an inspirational quote about making a difference in this world in such an honest way. Its called One Day by David Nicholls saying "Live each day as id it's your your last'. that was the conventional advice, but really, who had the energy for that? What if it rained or you felt a bit glandy? It just wasn't practical. Better by far to simply try and be good and courageous and bold and to make a difference. Not change the world   exactly, but the bit around you. Go out there with your passion... And work hard at something. Change lives... Cherish your friends, stay true to your principles, live passionately and fully and well. Experience new things. Love and be loves, if you ever get the chance."

Throughout this journey I've wanted to make a difference in other peoples lives. Show them that they do not have to be complacent and encourage them to go after what they really want out of life. However, this time in MI has been so centered around working 60 hrs a week that I think I need to change my original plan. The crazy thing is that I'm so hesitant to do so. Which is crazy because that was the whole point of this trip. To adapt and accept the changes/obstacles that come my way. 

So here is the new plan. I want to stay in MI long enough to have a sizable nest egg to travel for a month straight. I now know that working in destinations hinders me from really experiencing them. I want to travel the united states with a tent and really experience my surroundings, then settle in GA and save for my month in an ashram< which will probably not be Guatemala (thanks Al) but somewhere just as exotic. This way I can still have the adventure I'm looking for with the security of a home base. These past few months Ive really realized how important it is to feel secure and at home. 

I understand now why people don't leave. Traveling is all fine and dandy but there is something to be said about security. I never realized what I had until I left it all behind. I miss the fellowship I have with individuals I care about. I miss the comfort of home. I've been searching for this breath of fresh air feeling. that I remember having at my simple apartment in Smyrna. It never mattered what happened during the day because when I  walked through that door, everything disappeared. I was engulfed in love and oneness with myself. I guess it took me leaving to realize how lucky I was. 

I will always travel and make an effort to never be complacent but I now know the importance of home. I'm blessed so much to have two places to call such. MI will always be my roots. It will always be what me who I am and in a way be home but GA is my chosen home. Yes I'm sure I'll find other places Id love to live and one day I may move but when people ask me about home I have no hesitation to say GA because that"s where my heart is and people can see that.

overdramatic, emotional, blunt, and way to focused on the simple things but damn it this is me. How many people can say that? I know who I am and own up to it and my values. So please, please,  please,  take the time to figure out who you are, be true to it and don't let go. Adapt but don"t let go.

Hugs & Kisses

Change of Season

Do you remember, when you were young and you were in awe of the simplest things. You were aware of your surroundings and without effort noticed things that adults would let pass them by. Today and Sunday I made a conscious effort to observe these abandoned wonders. First I went to a park and listened to music under a group of pine trees. It was beautiful. I was mesmerized by the patterns of flight the birds were taking. It was like a dance choreographed to the soothing music I was listening to. They flew in unison with such grace and ease.

After picking up an order of friend rice, I went to my favorite park as a child. These gigantic, yet angelic willow trees live next to a stream that you can cross on a rusty bridge. I lied under these trees and read. What a perfect scene. Looking up to the sky, you could see the long, thin branches delicately flowing with the warm wind. The sound of the breeze, church bells, and children playing was so relaxing. I don't know if it was from the Yoga I had practiced that morning, or the sheer pleasantness of my surroundings, but I felt completely at peace. Or maybe I was just happy to finally have a day off work. Ha Ha

I then drove home, breathing a little easier, admiring the divine colors of the leaves, picked up my nephew and took my dog for a walk. It's amazing how much more you appreciate the little things when you are calm. We noticed the geese, turtles, and all around beauty of the trail. What a great way to connect with him.

Later Sunday night, I went for a drive. I had made a CHEESY CD and decided to play it, with the top down, singing at the top of my lungs. Let me interject here and say if you are trying to leave a voicemail for someone of a sappy song please, please, please make sure you are calling the right person. I got home and my grandma said "Do you realize you called me?" Puzzled I asked "What did I say." She replied "Nothing, all I could hear was a sad country song." How embarrassing. I think it's time to reevaluate your life when you dial your Grandma at 1:30 am. Yes, I'll admit it, I went backroading. Ha Ha I drove down dirt roads that I haven't been on since I was in high school. Drove past Nellenbach farm and half expected to bump into old friends driving with a beer between their legs. I couldn't help but laugh out loud as I fanned my arms out, pretending to be an airplane. Ha Ha I have to admit, there is no better way to see the change of season then with the reflection of  high beams off the leaves of a forgotten dirt road. I loved every minute of it and can't wait to do it again.

This sense of nostalgia and awareness of the season change made me think, of course, about life. We all will get older, but we don't have to forget to take the time to notice the simple things we did when we were young. Never! Season's change, people grow up, this is inevitable. But life doesn't have to stop being an adventure. 

Hugs & Kisses

Decisions, Decisions

One of the many many things I miss about working with such good friends and great regulars is the wonderful advice I received. It wasn’t always what I wanted to hear, but at least I could count on the fact that it was always honest. So here I am, craving advice from the people I love and respect.

How do you make a decision that you know will completely decide the outcome of the rest of your life? I’ve always thought life to be most like a “chose your own adventure” book You know, the one where at the end of a chapter you had to decide what you wanted the character to do and from that decision you’d have to flip to the corresponding page. I would always try to cheat. Ha Ha I’d look ahead to see what would happen, but even that would only take me so far until I had no choice but to make a selection and stick with it.  So again, how do we determine the verdicts of our life?

Some people like to choose the ones with the least amount of risks involved. As you can tell from past blogs, I’m not afraid of risks, but I am afraid of making wrong decisions. Another fear is that of uncertainty. I have no way of knowing which path I chose will, in the end, make me the happiest. I have faith that they both will, but in very different ways. Like many aspects of life, neither choice is a guaranteed reward. Another question is “which is easier?”. . . again, neither. They will both be very difficult and I’m sure sometimes heart wrenching.

What decision do I have to make, you ask? Well, I have an opportunity to obtain something I wanted for a very very long time.  It is at the very top of the list of things I want out of life. If everything works out, it could complete my life, but if not, it could destroy me. The risks are neck and neck with the rewards. Normally, I would tell myself to go for it, but in doing so, I would have to give up this big adventure I have planned. Yes, I could still have a life of adventure, but it’d be different and not as immediate.  I could try to wait until after my adventure is over, but the likelihood of the opportunity still being available to me would be slim. So what do I do? What would you do?

(BTW after reading this I realized that it makes me sound like I’m prego… I most DEFINATLY am not Ha Ha Just wanted to make that clear)

Hugs & Kisses

Hope

One of my best friends, Ashley, was in Grand Rapids, MI for a trade show the other day. So after work I drove to see her. I was so so so excited and couldn't wait to get there, knowing that the two hour drive to work the next morning was gonna be rough, but so worth it. On my way, of course, I blew out a tire. I know this doesn't sound like that much of a catastrophe, however, my car doesn't have a spare. It has an air pump, which I tried to use for about 20 minutes before I realized how large the hole was. This occurred in Ionia, which can only be described as the middle of nowhere. This occurred on Saturday at 8 pm, which means, all the tire and rent a car places were closed. :( I contacted AAA but they informed me that they weren't sure what they could do, besides tow me to the closest Walmart and wait til they opened in the morning. So there I was, sitting in my car on the side of the expressway, in the dark, waiting. I was beginning to lose hope and so did my grandparents, since they had already started driving to pick me up. They were so sweet for doing that, but luckily the tow truck guy took me to a small town tire company, who opened their doors to fix my tire for me. Thankfully, I was on my way two and a half hours later.

While in the car, I began to think about "Hope". It's heartbreaking how easy it is give up on something we desire so badly. Call it my stubborn personality, but over and over again, i refuse to give in to despair. As I always do, I was wearing my ring with the word "Faith" on it. In the car, I kept looking at it, determined to see my friend, trying not to think that it might not happen. After being away from Ashley for so long, I needed her presence. I missed her friendship. I have few friends like this but value them dearly. She has a way of making me feel like I can completely be myself, unguarded. She accepts me for all my flaws and has even forgiven me for them. We feed off of each others similar beliefs and I think are like to kindred spirits. We can talk about anything and that night we did. We talked about work, my life, her life, my sister, our faith, the difficulties of staying positive when others are not... Then finally we ended it by talking about our love lives. 

This is not like other women. Many times, women only focus on their partners and all the drama that comes with relationships. For instance, while at work the next day this young 19 year old girl, was having problems with her boyfriend. She let it consume her. Now like many of you, I thought "oh it's just young love, she doesn't know any better, and they probably won't last anyway." How dare I lose hope for her relationship, when she was so willing to hold on. 

Next I overheard some man at a table with his buddies say "I know, tell me about it. My wife is crazy." Ha ha It made me realize how love, or the pursuit of it, is the most heart consuming, mind boggling, all empowering act we face every day. It's everywhere: conversations, songs, poems, jokes, magazines, papers  behind a smile or a tear, everywhere, everyday. How do we expect to experience the pleasure or pain of love while giving up hope?

Love doesn't make the world go around, hope does! Have hope in everything you do. So many people convince themselves that something can go wrong instead of reminding themselves how rewarding it can be when things go right. Have faith that everything will work out, exactly how it is supposed to. Now, I'm not saying that to reap the benefits hard work is not in order. I actually perceive the opposite to be true. I think anything worth having in your life is difficult to come by, but that's only to test where your heart really is. All I'm saying is that people need to hold on to hope and never let go. So just stop, I'm serious, STOP worrying about what others may think, that the timing is wrong, that it's not going to work out... but what if it does? Think about that, focus on the positive, so that at the end of the day, you can at least say you tried. 

I was not always so optimistic. I would excessively worry about what could go wrong.  Then I realized how unhealthy of a lifestyle that was. It wasn't until I slowed down, stopped obsessing about what I wasn't doing or didn't have and saw what I was doing and everything I was already blessed with. I took the time to appreciate beauty, everyday. I took long walks, to clear my head, and to just observe the awe of nature. Whenever, I feel negative, rundown or just "off" it's probably because I haven't taken the time to appreciate the simple things life has to offer. 

Today, I took Cody for a long walk. It was beautiful outside, the leaves are starting to change, and I was listening to great music. I even saw a Huron catching a fish. I noticed that the cottontails were cut down to groom the path for the fall. Made me think that this is what people should do with their lives. Cut down the dreary, negative thoughts to make room for positive new ones. I love love love nature! This works for me and I understand everyone is different so just find what works for you.

Hugs and Kisses

Judging Others is Nothing but a Defense Mechenism

I don't like to admit this, but I used to judge people as soon as I saw them. Actually, let me admit that I still have a tendency to judge people at first glance. Ha Ha Sorry, but it is a habit I picked up bartending. I mean, come on, some of the things we see deserve to be ridiculed and mocked. Everything from the slutty drunk girl who's clearly a prostitute to the LAME frat guy, who thinks he's so cool with his popped collar. Now, don't get me wrong. I LOVE bartending for the good, the bad, the ugly, and the very very very disturbing. I love meeting people and thinking "Wow! WTF! I don't want to ever act like that person!" or "Awe, they were so nice. I hope I can be more like them." My point is that, over the years, I've tried to be less judgemental, and lets be honest, less hypocritical.

Being in Michigan has opened my eyes to how close minded some people are (me included). Luckily, I have my family, who might not always agree with my decisions, but none the less, accept me for who I am. However, the people I meet do not understand my choice of lifestyle. I'm automatically dubbed a "hippie" when I say I'm a vegetarian. I think this is because I'm in a state where the majorities pastime is hunting, fishing, eating... Oh and a Yoga instructor... the normal response is "I don't agree with cults" or "I don't like to exercise" or "Does that mean you don't believe in God?" Even though I pray before every meal. I might as well live in a tree and stop shaving. OK, I have to admit, that sounds AWESOME! Ha Ha My favorite though, is " You're 28? Why aren't you married with children!?" Making me sound like I'm some kind of "Old Maid"

I love love love Yoga for so many reasons. I love the way it makes your body feel. As cliche' as this sounds, it centers me. I used to be this neurotic  mess, and through Yoga, I'm more able to calm myself when times get tough. I don't sweat the small stuff as much as I used to.  There are so many benefits physically and mentally to practicing Yoga and every single pose has so much more to it than just improving your body image. For instance, the Tree Pose: Vrksasana is impossible to do unless you adjust your eyes on a focal point in front of you. This allows your body to balance and improves concentration, which allows people to get out of their own heads, away from the thoughts that swim around and around. After a class, not matter how intense or restorative I feel... like myself, my true self. So lame, I know, but it's true. I feel like I have just let everything go, because I have. Everyone should have a little Yoga in their life. Don't judge it, don't be scared of it, don't think it's not for you UNTIL you actually try it. Don't judge from first glance because you never know what you will fall in love with, unless you give it a try.

Oh and by the way, I'm not married with children by choice. I don't disagree with marriage or children and I hope one day I have both. I'm just willing to wait. I'm strong, stubborn, and independent enough to know exactly what I want from a partner. I refuse to settle and I am fully aware that that might mean that "my chance with love might pass me by" but I'm willing to take that risk for hope. For hope, that one day I will have no regrets. That I will know I gave this life and love my all. That I waited when so many people were so scared to. I might be wrong, but hey, at least I tried.

Miss you all so so so much!
Hugs & Kisses

Hugs & Kisses

Compassion is Powerful

Sorry it has been so long since I've posted anything. The past few weeks have been an emotional roller coaster for me and my family. Right now, I'm in a hospital chair while my sister, Angie, is trying to sleep next to me. After a week of headaches and thinking she had a pulled neck muscle, she went to the clinic and was quickly rushed to the hospital. Long story short, she had something similar to an aneurysm causing her to have blood clots in her brain. After two days of the painful tests and doctors trying to decide the best path to take, she had brain surgery where they removed the clots through the back of her skull. We were all so scared for her life but luckily, strong girl that she is, pulled through . Religious preferences aside, you have to admit that her guardian angels were looking over her. She's blessed that it was discovered before it ruptured more severely, These are usually discovered when it is too late. She is in the clear, and now being monitored, waiting to be released home. 

As puzzling as this may sound, so many marvelous things have happened due to this misfortune: family members that have been disconnected were brought closer, new friendships were formed, priorities were reevaluated, confessions were made, forgiveness was given, love was expressed, but most of all, Angie's strength, faith, and character was put to the test and she passed with flying colors. This is probably the first time I've ever felt a sense of family. We were all very vulnerable causing emotions to be expressed that have be suppressed for quite a while. Things were said: some good, some bad, but effective none the less. 

This is why I'm here. I can't imagine being in GA and getting the phone call that my little sister was in the hospital and it might be fatal. My goal in coming back to MI was to reconnect with my family, which is what I've been trying to do for the past month. As disturbing as this might sound, I have failed to do what this trial has done. Angie and I even had the opportunity to discuss things that we never really talked about before. It's nice to know we are similar in beliefs and values. We even discussed the positive effects tragedies can have on someones life. She has been through hell and yet she still sees everything that's happened to her as a blessing in disguise. Today she said "You can't appreciate the sweet, unless you've tasted the bitter." She has been through things that I could never imagine going through. Instead of looking at the tragic losses in her life she appreciates the lives they've lived and the legacies they've left behind.

Many people do not feel this way. They focus so much on the negativity that they are blinded and consumed by it. The forget that there is still beauty, hope, and wonder in this world. I know it is hard to stay positive when things are dismal but remember attitudes effect more than just one person. Everyone gets into dark places from time to time, but all it takes is the hope of one person. Staying depleted by negativity is no way to live. In fact, it's not living at all. It's not appreciating the fortunes that were given which is not fair to anyone who has suffered more, and believe me, there always is someone who has. 

Today, I was eating my lunch in the visitors room while my sister was napping, where a woman came in crying. She began to apologize for her behavior explaining what her son was going through. She asked about my sister but I could tell she really needed someone to talk to more than me. Sometimes, if nothing else, verbalizing your emotions is the only way to experience some relief. She cried about her son expressing how grim the outcome may be. I apologized for the pain but stayed positive for her, testifying how miracles really do happen. It's amazing what love can do. When I hugged this stranger goodbye I felt so much compassion for her and her family. 

Compassion.... what a simple yet effective emotion that I'm scared many members of society have forgotten about. So please, smile at a stranger, hug a friend, express love any way that you can, because honestly, why not? You never know the effect you can have on someone or the lives you could change by something so effortless.

Hugs & Kisses

Great Relationships

I think we all can admit that there is a BIG difference between the friendships we have with one another. I truly love love love my good friends. I not talking about the fake friends that act like they care, but as soon as you are not around act shady. I'm talking about the ones that love you unconditionally. Love you when you are happy or sad, when you're laughing and even when you know you sound nutty or make outrageous decisions (like leaving everything to live in an RV for a year) The ones that just the sound of their voice can some how calm you down the way a big bear hug does. I was recently told, by a friend, that I live off hugs and laughter. :) I want to send out a GIANT bear hug to all these people in my life. Oh and a big F U to all the not so good friends. 

One of my best friends, Crystal called me the other day. I can not explain how great it was to talk to her. We had our usual rant about whatever BS is going on in our lives, but then she picked me right back up with words of encouragement. She is so supportive in everything I do. Every time I had a big decision to make I'd run to her for advice. She doesn't just fill my head with what I want to hear, she asks the hard questions, the realities that I sometimes don't want to consider. She has always been my rock when things got hard. She encouraged me to embrace Yoga and even this trip. When she called, she sent her love with her. She kept saying how proud of me she was and how though this is sometimes difficult, she knows I am strong enough to make it. She also sent the love from everyone at Meehan's who asks about me and I thank you all for that. I appreciate my support system and please, please, please don't hesitate to call or email. I really need the encouragement. 

Let's see what have I been up to outside from working my booty off at the tavern (aka hell) and at the gym. I went to Metamora Hot Air Balloon Festival. I didn't know if I'd be able to make it, but I managed to escape from work just in time. I vaguely remember going when I was a little girl, which perked my interest to see it as an adult. When I was young, I remember how big they were and how amazing it was to touch them. I was surrounded by them. To explain what happens, you basically sit in a field and wait for the 15-20 pilots to drive up and unload their balloons. They lay them out on the ground, slowly fill them with air until satisfactory then ignite the flame which causes the balloon to float away. I'm having trouble finding words to describe it. One minute, I was laying there appreciating the simplicity of laying in a field, on a beautiful day, watching the hot air balloons float away like bubbles and the next I was fascinated by someones ability to stand in a basket, high in the air with nothing but a sheer  balloon that feels like silk, keeping them afloat. I've posted pictures on my facebook, if you are interested. 

I also spent an afternoon with my grandparents. We went to Outdoor Adventure, where they swam and I sunbathed. Next, my grandfather took us to lunch with the money he earned from his last minute garage sale.  In a world where divorce is so common, I've been very curious as to what has made their 51 year marriage last. They have always been a very private and not openly affectionate couple, but i was determined to find out. After inquiring, I was answered with few words about the proposal, except for the fact that my grandfather never really asked my grandmother to marry him, he just gave her a ring. Ha Ha The only comment I received about the wedding was that it was hot. I tried to dive deeper and talk about their first few years together. My grandma shared a little bit and asked my grandfather if he remembered anything. He was less helpful and she joked that he can't remember their marriage but he can remember anything about his or his sons old cars. Sure enough, my grandfather described one of my uncles old cars, what had been remolded on it, where it got serviced, who they bought it from and who they sold it to. Ha Ha A little disappointed at the lack of information I sat back in my chair and just watched them for just a moment... and there it was. For a split second, I saw the way they looked at each other. It wasn't showy or dramatic, it was simple and sweet. Their eyes were locked and they held the slightest smiles on their faces. In this glance they appeared to have shared an unspoken connection that felt more intimate then anything any man has ever said to me. After 51 years, I'm sure it was unnoticed to them, but from an outsiders perspective I could see it all. It made me realize that every relationship is different and even though sometimes we don't understand why two people are together, it is not our place to figure out. All I hope is that one day, I am so luck to find someone that in a stolen moment I can share the same unspoken, intimate, connection with. Another thing I live for are stolen moments :)

Hugs & Kisses

Please Appreciate Your Days Off

So, I survived the first half of hell week at work. That's right, 32 hrs in 3 days and many more to go. Things are actually not so awful at work these days. I think the B***hes are realizing that I don't care how they feel about me, or their caddy words whispered behind my back. Maybe they've accepted me into their covenant and things from here on out will be happy-go-lucky. Ha Ha At least the owner is finally appreciating my hard work by giving me good sections. We shall see. I'll keep you informed on the likely chance I pull a "Jerry McGuire" and just flip out on their asses.

Today, being my only day off, was incredibly lively. I wanted to visit my three sisters and their families, at their homes. The idea, however, was far too enthusiastic for the reality of time. After enjoying the company of my grandparents over a wonderful meal, prepared by my grandmother, I drove to my hometown, North Branch, MI. Phone service is scattered due to the fact that there are primarily cornfields, on both sides of the road, with the occasional house or barn breaking up the monotony. This is where my sister, Angie lives with her fiance Al and beautiful daughter Marley. We had a wonderful time, catching up with each other, and discussing her upcoming nuptials. She has worked so hard on EVERY aspect of the wedding, all the way from flower arrangements to little bows on silverware roles. I'm so excited to see how unique and beautiful it's going to be. Miss Marley is so precious. Ang taught her to embrace her creative, uncommon, sparkling personality and I just love listening to her. 

Then came the 30 minute drive to Brown City, MI, to see my older sister. More cows and cornfields and then, Oh my goodness!! I'm stuck behind a tractor pulling bails of hay, with the stench of manure everywhere. After following the lead of the other two cars on the road, I arrive at my destination and am greeted by an Amish family in a horse and buggy. I am compelled to laugh out loud because all I can think about is my regular at Meehan's, who would relentlessly make fun of me for going back to Amish country. 

Time with my sister Heather and my brother-in-law Melvin is always a pleasure. They are always so wonderfully vocal as we defiantly do not share the same beliefs or interests, but that's what intrigues me so much about them. I feel that everyone can learn from one anther's different points of view. You'll never know what diverse tid bits you can apply to your life, unless you engage in conversation with someone not identical to you. My nephew once asked why I had to have special kabobs made for me without chicken. I explained I was a vegetarian, which means I didn't eat meat. His response was "Not even chicken? Well, that's just unamerican." Yes my nephew was trying to accuse me of being unpatriotic at age 10. 

As my short lived day off comes to an end, I will be enjoying the newest addition to my Kindle book collection: 127 Hours by Aron Ralston. BTW I love love love my Kindle and think everyone should purchase one, turn off the TV and start reading. I'm not giving any of the story away, so hopefully this will intrigue you enough to read it.  I will just leave you with the opening quote. "Passion: That which I suffer, allow, endure, is done to me." OK, I guess I'll tease you a little more. " ... a choice of route is yours. I cannot advise you which to take, or lead you through it all- you must decide for yourself- but I can tell you the ways of either course..."

Hugs & Kisses

Seriously!!

Hey y'all. Sorry it has been so long since I posted anything. I've been super busy with this new job. Seriously, not exaggerating! I don't know how anyone can be expected to be on their feet for so long. Just to give you an idea, here is my schedule for the following week: Monday 11-9, Tuesday 11-11, Wednesday 11-9, Friday 11-11, Saturday 11-8, Sunday 12-9!!! WTF!!! I will defiantly be begging someone to hire me, on my only day off. I had planned on working a lot, while in MI, to save money for my adventure, but this is outrageous and the money is not outweighing what I am giving up.

I know many of you didn't know this, but I had a lot more planned, for my visit to MI, besides just making money and visiting family. One goal, as cliche as it sounds, was to reconnect with myself. I put so much emphasis the last few (OK 6) months on having a good time, that I lost sight of my desire, to become a Yoga instructor. As much as I tried, it was impossible for me to live a healthy lifestyle and still go out partying all the time. The idea was to step away from that environment, and yes the peer pressure from Jacob to take shots til 4am. Ha Ha Love you bro! The next year and a half, I will be practicing Yoga every morning, eating right, getting more connected with my spirituality... you know, all the typical stuff we say we are going to do. Of course, I am realistic and understand that there are exceptions to any rule. I have had the occasional drink, just not as much or often.

So, this brings me to my dilemma. Working at this F***ing place with these F***ing Caddy B***hes is torture! Seriously! I forgot how miserable people in MI are. They work too hard for too little money and don't seem to care about anything. I refuse to be sucked into this negativity, which is why I have been forced to have an after work drink, at the local bars. 

Ha Ha Oh my goodness, there is a bar, up the road from my grandparents called Hitch and Post where I purchased a 32oz Killians, which aside from Labatt, was the most exotic beer they carried, a Jameson, which they had the nerve to ask if I wanted chilled, for $8.25. Crazy! Oh and they had free pool, which come to find out, the only reason it's free is because someone smashed he glass on the side of the table. Oh and one night I went to the local hot spot, better known as Applebees, and had old man river on my right trying to get me to dance with him to the melody of our fellow patrons singing Karokee, and a freshly 21 year old on my left thinking he has game. Wow! And to think I didn't come back sooner.

Seriously though, I have been taking care of myself and not going out all the time. I am focused and excited to discover what will happen next, in my life. Though this has not been easy by any means, I feel something great is in store.

But before I go I need to clear up a few things. 1. Starr is my middle name. I didn't feel comfortable with putting my last name online, but funny how comfortable I'm becoming with blogging my personal thoughts. Ha 2. If you know anyone that gave me an email and didn't receive one from me, I am very sorry. However, the 150 emails that were written in my  notebook were hard to read, probably because half of them were written by slightly less than sober people. I read and typed what I could, but the computer said a lot of the emails were invalid. So if you know anyone who didn't receive an email please forward it to them. 3. As angry as I think people are in MI, I still have hope for them afterall. While driving, I saw a mural, of a scenic view, painted on the side, of a hardware store. It said "Be kinder than necessary, for everyone you meet is going through some kind of battle."

Hugs & Kisses

Lunch with Grandpa

Today I went to lunch with my grandfather. It"s the first time we've ever been out together alone and probably the first time we've ever had a real conversation. I asked him a lot of questions about where he grew up and his brothers and sisters. He told me about his old job and about what he builds out in the barn. It was very nice except for the fact that The Farmhouse Restaurants decorations consisted of deer heads and farming equipment. Picture this, a vegetarian trying to eat her veggie meal, with a deer staring you in the eyes. Creepy!

On the way home we were talking about the van he used to own. He thinks I should buy one instead of a large rv because it has a bed, stove, toilet, everything I would need, but smaller. He sold it to a man up the road, who gave it to someone else, who was coincidentally having a garage sale. We stopped and he told the man he used to own it etc. etc. etc, I now know where I get the ability to talk to anyone about anything.

My point, with all this,  is that everyone should take the time to get to know their loved ones and not to take them for granted. He had triple by pass last year and I couldn't go up to MI. It made me think that I never really took the time to get to know him. I'm so thankful to have had the chance and plan to make more of an effort. Call someone you love today. 

Hugs & Kisses