I know I've said this so many times, but I apologize for the lack of blogs. I can think of so many reason's why, but bottom line is that I haven't been focused lately. My mind has been preoccupied with... well, with life. I've been working hard to prepare myself for my upcoming teacher training in Costa Rica, and yet it still doesn't seem real. I can't believe in a month, I'll be gone. Not only is it the perplexity of this trip, but the mystery of what's to come after causing me to freak out.
This time in Michigan has lasted longer then anticipated, but I, without a doubt, know it's exactly where I needed to be these past eight months. I've learned so much about myself, my past, and who I want to become. As much as I love Georgia, I needed to step away. I needed to get out of my comfort zone. I was stuck in the routine of working at a bar and drinking with my friends. It's a place I wanted to be stuck. I was overindulging in everything and not focusing on my future, and I was happy doing so. Being here has allowed me to get away from that scene. Yes, I still work at a bar, but I defiantly haven't been drinking as much as I used to. Believe it or not, I've actually turned into a light weight. Ha Ha
Michigan has also allowed me to build these amazing unbreakable bonds with my family. Just yesterday, I spent the morning with my little sister Melissa, her children, and my grandparents. When I would visit the little ones, they didn't know me that well and were very shy. Now we have fun and laugh, nothing in this world will warm your heart more than the sound of a child laughing. I believe now that they love and trust me.Yesterday, when my nephew was scared of a moving toy truck he actually ran to me. He ran to me crying, wrapped his arms around me and I didn't want to let go. I pray that I can hold on to these precious moments forever. I'm so fortunate to have gotten to know Melissa on a deeper level also. She is stronger than she give herself credit for. She is me, years ago, before I realized that I had the power to change my life. I can see her coming into her own and hope that she continues this uphill climb while looking in the mirror everyday reminding herself that she is someone special.
After visiting with them I went to see my older sister, Heather. Being the big sister, she's always protected us, even when we didn't realize it. Her being a mother figure to us hindered our chance to become friends. She has really opened up to me. We've shared so many stories with each other, both good and bad. I'm so fortunate to call her a sister and it took this trip to realize she is more than that, she's also a great friend. I'm so proud of the woman she's become and am excited to see what the next few years will unveil to her.
Next, I went to see my sister Angie and niece Marley. After everything Ang has been through lately, she still has the aura of peacefulness that I admire. She has more patience than I will ever possess. I love sitting with her over a cup of coffee talking about anything and everything. Our views and opinions are so in sync it's scarey. BTW she went to the doctor and got a clean bill of health. It's like the brain surgery never happened. You gotta appreciate those guardian angels. Oh and Marley, she is a five year old after my own heart. We had a Yoga session. Ha Ha That's right, my niece performed downward dog, cobra, boat, and many other poses. I can not wait til she gets older and runs away from home showing up at Aunt Nikki's doorstep. Ha Ha
Lately, I've been thinking about having to say goodbye to everyone again and the thought breaks my heart. Literally, give me a pain in my chest making me cry uncontrollably. I'm so torn by this. However, at the end of the day, I know it have to leave, I know I have to move on, I know I have to grow. Heather showed me a quote yesterday that reminded her of me.
"Sometimes things fall apart, so other things can fall into place."
So here I am, waiting. Waiting to go on this trip, that I know will put everything I've worked for into perspective. I'm not worried about the trip, but I will admit that I am concerned about what happens next. Correction; concerned is the wrong word, I'm more intrigued. Everything will be real. I will be stepping off the plane into the next chapter of my life and it scares the shit out of me. I'm not sure if it's so much the future that scares me or the thought of letting go of the past. Has anyone else ever felt like this? Am I ready to grow up? Do I have what it takes to be everything I'm destined to be? I sure hope so because this month is going to fly by like a freight train.
Hugs & Kisses
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
Thursday, March 1, 2012
Take Risks!
Complaining is a poison. It effects the mood of the individual complaining and the people listening. I have always thought I was strong enough not to be effected by such negativity, but it is apparent that I am not. I have allowed the unhappiness of others to bring me down. I have also fell victim to the addictive nature of complaining. Was it the constant complaining that made me so unhappy or was it my surroundings that caused me to complain. The chicken and egg dispute. At this point it doesn't matter any more which came first. Something had to give.
The main concern I have with people who complain is that they rarely try to change the things they are complaining about. If you want your situation to change, change it; if it's out of your control, change your attitude about it. What I realized was that I could change what I was unhappy about. I was so unhappy about my job. I kept telling myself "It's a mean's to an end" but honestly, it was tearing me down to my breaking point. The situation was only going to change if I had the courage to do something about it.
Being in GA for an extra day, made me concerned about losing my job. I had this horrible sense of anxiety that this would happen, and then I felt this overwhelming sense of relief. I was relieved that I would be forced to go get a new one, a decision I wasn't capable of making on my own. This made me realize that I needed to leave. Like many things in life, I had to have faith that there was something better for me out there and the only way to receive it was to take a risk. The most wonderful things in life are only gained through taking BIG risks. How else would God know if we really deserve them?
Big risks are not easy to take. They are scary, confusing, sometimes complicated... bottom line they are risky. I couldn't have done this or many things I have done without my Georgia family. I was so happy to see my best friends Crystal and Deanna. I can not explain the gratitude I have for both of you in my life. That is exactly what I needed to recharge. It's amazing how a hug or conversation with your true friends can really help remind you who you are.
I didn't get to see everyone I wanted and I am truly sorry for that. Please understand that sometimes when you are at rock bottom, the last people you want to see are the ones who admire you. I didn't want people to know I've failed to do the things I set out to do. I'm a work in progress right now and will see everyone when I get my head on straight and feel more like myself.
Through the past few weeks I have learned a lot. It's been such an emotional roller coaster. I need to pay more attention to the constant reminder on my left wrist to have faith. I was also reminded of the power of putting yourself out there. I've been holding on to so many things, so many emotions. I can not control anyone but myself. The only thing I can do, is take the risk, say what's on my mind, and see what happens. If nothing, then I can finally let it go and at least know I tried.
I miss y'all more than you will ever know!!
Hugs & Kisses
The main concern I have with people who complain is that they rarely try to change the things they are complaining about. If you want your situation to change, change it; if it's out of your control, change your attitude about it. What I realized was that I could change what I was unhappy about. I was so unhappy about my job. I kept telling myself "It's a mean's to an end" but honestly, it was tearing me down to my breaking point. The situation was only going to change if I had the courage to do something about it.
Being in GA for an extra day, made me concerned about losing my job. I had this horrible sense of anxiety that this would happen, and then I felt this overwhelming sense of relief. I was relieved that I would be forced to go get a new one, a decision I wasn't capable of making on my own. This made me realize that I needed to leave. Like many things in life, I had to have faith that there was something better for me out there and the only way to receive it was to take a risk. The most wonderful things in life are only gained through taking BIG risks. How else would God know if we really deserve them?
Big risks are not easy to take. They are scary, confusing, sometimes complicated... bottom line they are risky. I couldn't have done this or many things I have done without my Georgia family. I was so happy to see my best friends Crystal and Deanna. I can not explain the gratitude I have for both of you in my life. That is exactly what I needed to recharge. It's amazing how a hug or conversation with your true friends can really help remind you who you are.
I didn't get to see everyone I wanted and I am truly sorry for that. Please understand that sometimes when you are at rock bottom, the last people you want to see are the ones who admire you. I didn't want people to know I've failed to do the things I set out to do. I'm a work in progress right now and will see everyone when I get my head on straight and feel more like myself.
Through the past few weeks I have learned a lot. It's been such an emotional roller coaster. I need to pay more attention to the constant reminder on my left wrist to have faith. I was also reminded of the power of putting yourself out there. I've been holding on to so many things, so many emotions. I can not control anyone but myself. The only thing I can do, is take the risk, say what's on my mind, and see what happens. If nothing, then I can finally let it go and at least know I tried.
I miss y'all more than you will ever know!!
Hugs & Kisses
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