Happy Birthday to Me :)

Merry Christmas! I hope everyone is enjoying this special moment in time to spend with their loves ones. I also hope y'all have taken the time to tell them how important they are to you.

This is my first birthday in forever that I have been single. Part of me thought it was going to be difficult and part of me thought it would be great. There have been days this past month when I really missed feeling that connection with someone. I am very aware that I have been filling this void with bad decisions. I've been jumping into things I shouldn't. They don't make me feel good about myself. Just make me realize that I've become weak in holding out for what I really want.

I recently hung out with this man who is the total Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. The first time we hung out, he was a complete gentleman. Shared so many personal things with me. I used to think he was your typical "Asshole" but he even went so far as to reveal to me that he only behaved this way to protect himself. He felt that if he was always stereotyped as the jerk he would never be vulnerable enough to be hurt. This made total sense to me. Then the next time I saw him, he was that jerk. Why? Is he so scared to be true to who he is? Does he know who he is?
  (Anyways, I about thought the man I hung out with recently, I did some thinking about if he really was acting like a jerk. Part of me says yes and part had to acknowledge that he was acting like I have before. I'm used to getting my way. Ouch! That's so hard to admit. He is used to getting things his way. So was he being rude or just wanting things his way? Hmmmmm)

Another guy I dated, months ago, was completely the opposite. He weaseled his way in to my heart, even though I'm usually to protective to let that happen. He convinced me to let my guard down and I was stupid enough to fall for it. I allowed myself to fall for him, head over heels. We knew the distance was going to be difficult, but deep down believed that it would work out and we would be together in the end. Well... long story short, my heart was crushed. As the inevitable desolation of our relationship became apparent to me I told him I was an idiot for falling for him. He said "You weren't an idiot, you were in love." What an ass.Ha Ha

So what's better? The obvious asshole or the hidden on. Ha Ha Why are these the options? When I was thinking about how to write about this I looked around my room for guidance. I picked up a few books and sat in my bed about to read through them, when I realized what I was holding. I had two books in my hand. One my friend, Crystal, had given me as a birthday gift called Love. She knows how much I enjoy quotes, so got me a little book with nothing but lovey dovey quotes in it. The next was one from my sister called Success. She received it from work. It, obviously,  holds quotes about success. Ha Ha I laughed out loud at the irony. Is this what it boils down to? Making a decision between love or success? Why don't they coincide?

I know this might be hard to believe, but through all this confusion I have decided one thing. I need to focus on myself. This is what this journey was all about. I have taken the time to reconnect with my family, and will continue to do so before and after I leave. In the meantime, I need to just say no to everything that isn't focusing on my goal. This might be a lonely road, but it's one I need to take.

Which brings me to what I'm doing, right now, on my birthday. A few people thought this was crazy and rightfully so. I already had my family Christmas so today I planned on celebrating my birthday. My lovely sister, Melissa, got me this bad ass discount on a suite at the Best Western in Lapeer. I rented a hotel room for just me today. Multiple people invited me over, including family members and I truly appreciate the kindness, but today was to be my day, for me. I was skeptical, but... BEST IDEA EVER!!!! As soon as I walked in the door I took an hour long Jacuzzi bath. Ha Ha Everyone needs a tub like this! Ladies, you would be impressed. Happy Birthday to me. I then dried off and did some candle light Yoga. Felt awesome! Listen, everyone needs to take the time to love themselves and pamper themselves. Most people would think that this was all so romantic but you know what, romance yourself. Ha Ha I feel great about myself right now. I looked f***ing hot in the mirrors surrounding the tub. This might sound narcissistic, but hey, you can't love anyone else til you love yourself.

I then spent the past couple hours figuring out my upcoming adventures. Read the side of the blog for my new plan. I'm so so so so excited. (to the people I work with, please allow me to tell Vik myself) I love you all, Merry Christmas. Love others, but don't forget yourself. :)

Hugs & Kisses

The Giving Season

I know many people have heard the old song and dance about how people forget the meaning of Christmas and I have known this to be true. I'm not quite sure if it's because I'm getting older, or because I have a different outlook on things lately, but for some reason, this year seems to be different. I usually despise Christmas music, however, this year I find myself not only singing along, but playing it. I've enjoyed looking at all the spectacular lights and decorations. As I look around, it appears as though other people have been kissed by the spirit of Christmas as well. My fellow coworkers have not only sung the music that plays throughout the bar, some have even been moved to dance along. Ha Ha I love it. 

So why this glorious cheerfulness for the holiday? I believe people have finally come to realize what the spirit of Christmas is all about. We need this holiday to survive the rest of the year. We need this time to feel joy and love. Christmas is to celebrate the birth of Christ and even if you are not religious, you can still celebrate what he stood for. He only loved. Wow, the power of LOVE. When you celebrator someones birthday you acknowledge all that they are. Compassionate, kind, understanding, loyal, appreciative, forgiving. This is not a time to hold grudges, it's a time to let go. It's not about who's right or wrong or who should apologize. It's a time to understand that we all make mistakes and have been graciously forgiven.

Giving has really been the theme this year. I was so excited to give the gifts I picked out, never concerned about what I was to receive. I've already had my family party, and was so pleased with the feedback from them. My sisters were so happy with the rings I gave them. You see, I've been trying to think of something for all of us to wear that represented our connection. I was driving myself crazy trying to think of the perfect item. Then, one day, as I was spinning my Faith ring around my finger, like I've done many times before, I realized that that would be the perfect gift, especially after I got the tattoo for the same very reason. I wrote a note to accompany the tiny keepsake that encouraged them to have faith in anything, to have faith in EVERYTHING, to accept the fact that where they are in their lives right now, is exactly where they are supposed to be. They were speechless.

My little sister, Melissa, told me she was never going to take it off and posted on her facebook that it will help remind her to have faith in herself and others. :) Heather glowed tonight about it to a friend, while we were at my nephews band concert. As I was asking Angie if she was going to put it on a necklace since I knew her right ring finger was reserved for he fiance who past away she laughed and said "How do you do that?" She said that she was recently (two days ago) strong enough to take it off and her finger felt naked. There couldn't have been a more appropriate replacement. I told her it wasn't me who knew she needed it. :)

I have someone in my life that due to their mental disability, can not work. She receives very little money for groceries, bills, etc. She saved up every dime she had the past few months to buy presents for me, my sisters, my nieces and nephews, and even my grandparents. At lunch today, she mentioned that she didn't have cigarettes or groceries because she wasn't about to spend a dime on herself, until she knew that all her gifts were payed for. Broke my heart. My wonderful grandparents were the ones who offered to take her to lunch today. As we sat at the restaurant, she began to cry. I didn't have to ask why, because I knew this was all she wanted. She wanted to feel cared for and loved. She prayed to God multiple times, appreciating him for this moment in time.

Remember what this holiday is all about. Appreciate the ones you have in your life, and simply love them. You'd be surprised how many people would think that love is the greatest gift of all.

Hugs & Kisses

Where Are All the REAL MEN???

I've talked about this multiple times, especially in a group of frustrated girlfriends. Now, it"s time to post something about it.

Seriously, where did all the "real" men go? I want to find a MAN. Not these wimpy, whiny, pansies, I've been meeting. Seriously! Ha Ha Half of them don"t have the balls to ask a girl out and when they finally do, they are to accommodating. Women you know what I mean. We get bombarded with questions; where do you wanna go?, what do you wanna do?, do you wanna go to a movie?, which movie?, where do you want to meet? F**K THAT! Listen, if you as a man see a girl you think is pretty and possibly want to get to know more about, man up, ask her on a REAL date, and plan the damn thing. Ha ha Stop worrying about what we want to do or think. Be creative and plan something. Your confidence will get you far.

On that note, however, there is a fine line between confidence and arrogance. No one wants a douchey man who thinks women should fall at their feet. Gross. Oh and lay off the steroids. Workout but don't get all crazy about it. Steroids make you crazy and greasy and shrink your penis. Can you really afford to lose any inches down below?

Ha ha these men make me want to rip my hair out, or become a lesbian. Buts lets be honest, that could never do it for me. Besides, if I think men are bitchy what would I think of a girl. Goodness. No thank you.

So here's a little secret, be yourself, and be confident in that man. We like goofy and funny but also strong. Don't be a rock but don't be too sensitive and cry all the time. Ugh! I can't believe how many times I've seen a man cry, over something stupid. Cry when you are hurting and when drastic, not because you favorite TV show is cancelled. Man up. Be men, play sports, don"t be afraid to get dirty, have fun, be aggressive.

There is nothing sexier than when a man sees what he wants and goes for it. If you want to kiss me, place your hand on the back of my head, pull be toward you and just do it. I swear if another guy asks me "may I kiss you" I'm gonna slap someone. No, no you may not now you loser, you could've if you would've just grew a pair and did it, but not now that you've asked Ha ha 

Listen, I'm not the only woman who feels this way. We are tired of being the "man" in every relationship. Please for the love of God, start acting like men. Now let me point out that I didn't say little boys. Ha ha

Hugs & Kisses

Golly

Ugh work! Ha ha it"s so time consuming and exhausting. I know I'm doing the responsible thing by working my little booty off to pay for my Yoga trip, to go cross country for a month straight, and to save up for a down payment on a house when I move back to GA. I understand the sacrifice of free time for goals, but golly. (Yeah, I said it, GOLLY) It's a hard realization to accept the fact that you are an adult and can"t act like a teenager anymore.

The best part of my day was leaving work and finding time to listen to the voicemails my best friends left me.Oh my goodness. My cup overflowed with love. I saved them for those days when times get tough and the only medicine is their voice. I got choked up listening to them because they were from the heart and I couldn't help but notice the shakiness in their voices when they told me they love and miss me. I could picture Tray moving her hands when she talked and Crystal making her signature facial expressions. Ashley, Crystal, I miss you more than I can express. My heart is blessed to know you.

Appropriate quote I've heard recently. . .
"If it were easy Hallmark would go out of business and there'd be no need for sappy love songs"

Hugs & Kisses