Merry Christmas! I hope everyone is enjoying this special moment in time to spend with their loves ones. I also hope y'all have taken the time to tell them how important they are to you.
This is my first birthday in forever that I have been single. Part of me thought it was going to be difficult and part of me thought it would be great. There have been days this past month when I really missed feeling that connection with someone. I am very aware that I have been filling this void with bad decisions. I've been jumping into things I shouldn't. They don't make me feel good about myself. Just make me realize that I've become weak in holding out for what I really want.
I recently hung out with this man who is the total Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. The first time we hung out, he was a complete gentleman. Shared so many personal things with me. I used to think he was your typical "Asshole" but he even went so far as to reveal to me that he only behaved this way to protect himself. He felt that if he was always stereotyped as the jerk he would never be vulnerable enough to be hurt. This made total sense to me. Then the next time I saw him, he was that jerk. Why? Is he so scared to be true to who he is? Does he know who he is?
(Anyways, I about thought the man I hung out with recently, I did some thinking about if he really was acting like a jerk. Part of me says yes and part had to acknowledge that he was acting like I have before. I'm used to getting my way. Ouch! That's so hard to admit. He is used to getting things his way. So was he being rude or just wanting things his way? Hmmmmm)
Another guy I dated, months ago, was completely the opposite. He weaseled his way in to my heart, even though I'm usually to protective to let that happen. He convinced me to let my guard down and I was stupid enough to fall for it. I allowed myself to fall for him, head over heels. We knew the distance was going to be difficult, but deep down believed that it would work out and we would be together in the end. Well... long story short, my heart was crushed. As the inevitable desolation of our relationship became apparent to me I told him I was an idiot for falling for him. He said "You weren't an idiot, you were in love." What an ass.Ha Ha
So what's better? The obvious asshole or the hidden on. Ha Ha Why are these the options? When I was thinking about how to write about this I looked around my room for guidance. I picked up a few books and sat in my bed about to read through them, when I realized what I was holding. I had two books in my hand. One my friend, Crystal, had given me as a birthday gift called Love. She knows how much I enjoy quotes, so got me a little book with nothing but lovey dovey quotes in it. The next was one from my sister called Success. She received it from work. It, obviously, holds quotes about success. Ha Ha I laughed out loud at the irony. Is this what it boils down to? Making a decision between love or success? Why don't they coincide?
I know this might be hard to believe, but through all this confusion I have decided one thing. I need to focus on myself. This is what this journey was all about. I have taken the time to reconnect with my family, and will continue to do so before and after I leave. In the meantime, I need to just say no to everything that isn't focusing on my goal. This might be a lonely road, but it's one I need to take.
Which brings me to what I'm doing, right now, on my birthday. A few people thought this was crazy and rightfully so. I already had my family Christmas so today I planned on celebrating my birthday. My lovely sister, Melissa, got me this bad ass discount on a suite at the Best Western in Lapeer. I rented a hotel room for just me today. Multiple people invited me over, including family members and I truly appreciate the kindness, but today was to be my day, for me. I was skeptical, but... BEST IDEA EVER!!!! As soon as I walked in the door I took an hour long Jacuzzi bath. Ha Ha Everyone needs a tub like this! Ladies, you would be impressed. Happy Birthday to me. I then dried off and did some candle light Yoga. Felt awesome! Listen, everyone needs to take the time to love themselves and pamper themselves. Most people would think that this was all so romantic but you know what, romance yourself. Ha Ha I feel great about myself right now. I looked f***ing hot in the mirrors surrounding the tub. This might sound narcissistic, but hey, you can't love anyone else til you love yourself.
I then spent the past couple hours figuring out my upcoming adventures. Read the side of the blog for my new plan. I'm so so so so excited. (to the people I work with, please allow me to tell Vik myself) I love you all, Merry Christmas. Love others, but don't forget yourself. :)
Hugs & Kisses
No comments:
Post a Comment