Faith

Even though I've sounded happy and tough, I'm sure many of you can tell that this trip has not been an easy one for me. It's been difficult to be away from my heart, my friends, normality...Allowing the loneliness to affect me this past month, has caused me to make bad decisions including losing sight of why I moved home.  I haven't been focused on the things I came here to do such as Yoga, family, exercise, nutrition, my faith. Trying to remind myself to stay positive was so difficult. The pressure of making a decisions as to my future, my work overload, and my love life was to much to handle. I was on the verge of giving up when I broke down. Broke down hard! We've all been there, that desperate, broken, achy, heavy feeling you heart gets when you can't take any more. Where do you turn when you are on the edge?

I've always turned to my faith. Every time I do cardio I read Purpose Driven Life, ironically, earlier this week a chapter was on how we turn to God when we are going through a struggle because it feels like there no where else to turn to and "He uses circumstances to develop our character". At 4:00 am, after already being up for sleepless hours, in agony, I had nothing else to do but pray for answers. In the background was the sound of rain from the sleep aid application on my phone, and just like the rain and the tears on my face, a flood of emotion passed through me. I stayed up thinking about EVERYTHING. Figuring out what I should do about my life, career, journey...  I even turned on my computer and did research to the answers I was contemplating.

I started thinking about the day to follow when I realized that I was going to have to drive all over to see my sisters, on my only day off. Then it hit me. "Why don't I ask them all to lunch?" This, was not going to be an easy task, one I immediately doubted. But then I realized that, like everything else in my life, I needed to have faith that it might work out. It was a test to determine the character of me and my sisters. I over analyzed every answer I could get from them, everything that could go wrong, every escape route. Then I thought "but what could go right?" All I could control was putting it out there and see how they responded. All I could do was try. This is the reason I came home, isn't it? Have faith I kept thinking, have faith. 

I honestly can't remember the last time we all got together, just the four of us. After a little persuading ;) they agreed. I was blown away. I rushed out the house, heart racing. I was so anxious, worried about what might happen in the next hour. Was consumed by thoughts of things going wrong, by people backing out last minute,  visualizing any disaster that might occur. Then I reminded myself, "This is really happening. A complete 180 don't need to happen, this is just a baby step. It will work out."

Let me just tell you, it went better than I could've asked for. A little uncomfortable at first, but we had a chance to actually have a lasting memory today. We laughed, joked, shared stories. Talked about Angie's strength, goofiness while she was in the hospital and sheer miracle of it all. Melissa's new job, difficulties of having her little guy, Preston, have heart surgery. Heather and her crazy husbands friends. It was... I can't describe it. I just keep shaking my head, smiling at the fact that it actually happened. All because of taking a chance and having faith. My Grandmother asked if we got a picture and I silently kicked myself for not taking one. I wanted to immortalize this feeling forever.

 I love the ring I wear on my right hand. It says "Faith" on the outside and "Live by faith, not by sight" on the inside. It's a little big, which is why I'm a little nervous about losing it, but none the less, I play with it all the time, reminding myself to follow the inscription. Which brings me to the last thought I had before I finally fell asleep, last night. I dislike the tattoo I have on my lower back. It was the idea of my younger self to allow a stoned man, at a trailer, to permanently mark a crooked tribal looking shape on me for life. Not my brightest decision ever, but sad to say not my worst. I've wanted a word tattooed on my wrist for a while, but had trouble thinking of the perfect one. Surrender, Love, Breathe, Peace... all top runners, then one day I realized "Faith" would be the perfect fit. I try to live my life by faith, not only religiously, but in every aspect. I strive to have faith in people, friends, lovers, family, even difficult circumstances. Let me reiterate TRY. I'm not perfect at this, but I do try. The weather was dreary outside all day today, but I was beaming with joy. I could feel my whole body radiating from the days experience. I was thinking all this as I was listening to Love Don't Run on the radio, looking around I saw a tattoo shop. I'm so so so proud of my sisters. It is not easy to see people after a period of anger or frustration. I love and respect them so much for being able to do this for me (and hopefully for themselves) and will be forever grateful. I thought "I can handle a little physical pain to appreciate the courage and strength they showed today." Yes that's right, I did it. I got the tattoo so I can always remind myself of this day and how powerful faith in something, even if it seems impossible, can be.  

Hugs & Kisses